A True Warrior

Jake Tullius: author

So yesterday I’m tearing through the mail and scattering it around the living room when I come across this thing. I’m only 15 months old so my reading skills suck, but I could make out WARRIOR in big red letters right below a sweet patch. It was from Onnit so of course I assumed it was for me.

 

I figured they must have seen how much I love their protein shakes. These things are delicious and Dad’s always preaching about how good hemp is for you. When I hear that blender, I go all Pavlov, double how much I already drool from teething.

I took the patch and slapped it on my chest, told my sister Olivia to meet me downstairs. With a little work maybe I could whip her into a warrior. Maybe one day she’d get her own patch.

We warmed up with some bands before we ran drills on the grappling dummy. The 120 pound pretend one, not the 230 pound one busy behind the camera.

We broke a sweat and got started on the weights. It was sort of sad that I had to help Olivia with a 3 pound dumbbell. Maybe if she paid less attention to the camera.

I let my frustration get the best of me, asked Dad why couldn’t I have a brother.

I counted my toes and took a deep breath. Warriors need to lead by example. I demonstrated how it was done. I held this squeeze for a solid minute before giving my guns a break. Got to put in the work if you want the results.

Things went a little smoother after that, Olivia showing me the respect I deserve. I let her enjoy the air conditioning for another five minutes then told her to head outside. She said it was too hot. I took an even deeper deep breath. Look Olivia,” I told her. “Being a warrior isn’t all fun and games. It isn’t all giant Legos and Yo Gabba Gabba dolls and pink cars. It’s getting in mat time while other kids are napping. It’s going that extra mile, which feels more like five when you’ve got tiny ass legs like mine. It’s being a doer. Now hurry up and turn the handle because I can’t reach it.”

I pulled out our Onnit battle ropes and showed her how to do it. She gave it her best. I’ve seen better form but I kept in mind she’s just a girl.

My heart rate was a little too high after my fifth set so I used this animal to calm me. That’s all it was. I’m not a cat guy. Swear it. Just shows how hard I must have been training.

We finished up the workout and went out to dinner, walking proud with the patch upon my chest.

In between throwing fistfuls of food under my chair, I got to thinking. Maybe Onnit had read my mind like people can in Brightside and was going to get into the baby food market. Parents that use Onnit care for themselves and most likely care even more for their kids. Why shouldn’t babies and kids be getting nutrients that help them be healthy and run as optimally as possible? Maybe Onnit already had that in the works and that Warrior patch was really a job offer to be their spokesbaby?

My inner voice said I was being stupid, why would they want me, but then I fist bumped my patch and got back on track. I’m young. I’m hip. I have more hair than some of their current spokespeople. Chicks dig me. Especially seventy year olds. I blow them a kiss and they are putty in my hands.

Plus, I can make this face.

Before anyone gets too upset over the girl comments, please understand that they are jokes meant to point out the ridiculousness. My sister can, and will, do anything she dedicates herself to. With the exception of being cooler than me. Other than that, the sky’s the limit.