Testing Anxiety: When is it okay to be nervous?
Tuesday night I became something I had never been before, a bad golfing partner. I was not bad in the sense of breaking the law or acting like a buffoon by telling off-color jokes all night. My golfing was bad, historically bad. Out of a possible worst score of 90 strokes on nine holes, I got 74. My partner would have fared just as well by bringing a toddler, turtle, or grumpy cat along with him for the night. He, however, was in good spirits. And although we were in a competition, it was a friendly one.
I am not usually a great golfer, but Tuesday I played worse than usual because I had no confidence. In years past I had golfed with people who never knew what their ball would do when hit from the tee. Tuesday night I was that guy, and I had no idea what happened. Sure, there were some problems with my mechanics, but I was also terribly nervous. Anxiety got the best of me.
I feel silly admitting this, because we were not playing for money or great prestige. But performing in sports, even in the most modest of competitions, always makes me nervous. I sense people watching me and fear their mockery. The last time I played a sport with any meaning attached to it was in Michigan when our church was part of a town softball league. Every game I was nervous, which helps some people perform better, but not me.
Even if it hurts my performance, I like occasional opportunities to feel nervous. They remind me how connected my body is to my mind. In daily life I rarely sense that others watch what I do and hardly ever fear what they think about me. But in a competition I worry about what people think of me as a person, as if my self-worth is tied to how well or how poorly I play.
My worry is a lie. I know my value as a person has nothing to do with how well I strike a ball. I know the people I am with are not judging me as a person, but there is a gap between what I know and what I feel. I feel unsure and shaky. And while I sometimes like to feel anxious, just to be reminded what it is like, I would hate being nervous all the time. I have met some people who struggle through life that way.
Psalm 139 is our church’s Scripture reading passage for this week. David begins it by saying that God has searched him and known him. No matter where David goes, God is there. No matter what stage of life David occupies, God is with him, and David finds much comfort in God’s presence. David ends this psalm by saying, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps 139:23-24).
David does not say what makes him anxious, but verses 19-22 point to political enemies who stand against God and his people. The source of David’s anxiety was obviously more legitimate than a friendly sporting event. But even so, David’s prayer to God is not that his anxiety would magically disappear. Instead, it is for God to test and know David’s anxious thoughts and see if any of them are offensive. If so, may God lead David into an everlasting way. And if not? David never says, but his psalm implies that some anxious thoughts are worthwhile. Not every anxious thought offends God. Jesus’ prayer in the garden just before Judas betrayed him reveals as much.
Anxious thoughts offend God when they keep us from doing what God has called us to do. Think of how God dealt with Moses in Exodus chapter 3 when God summoned him to free his people from slavery in Egypt. Moses had good reasons to be anxious about going back to Egypt since he fled from there as a fugitive. Once there, he was to convince his own people, who hated him, to follow him out of Egypt after persuading Pharaoh to let all of his slave labor go for free. Moses’ anxiety was well placed. But God does not only summon his people to do things that come easy and carefree. Sometimes, his call will make us nervous, and that is okay, for it is hard to control how we react in our feelings. What offends God is how we respond with our behavior, especially when we refuse to do what he has called us to do. Nervousness is not a compelling defense in God’s court. God responded to Moses by telling him that he would be with him and help him. And he did.
There are many aspects of the Christian life that can cause anxiety: Praying out loud with people in groups, sharing testimonies in front of the congregation, joining a small group or Sunday School, witnessing to neighbors, and so on. It is hard to overcome anxious thoughts, especially if you have convinced yourself you will be terrible at it and rejected by all who see you try. Consider praying David’s prayer the next time God’s call makes you nervous. Ask God to test and know your anxious thoughts and see if they are offensive. If so, ask him to lead you in the way everlasting. David calls it the “everlasting way” and not the “easy way” for good reason.
I am not usually a great golfer, but Tuesday I played worse than usual because I had no confidence. In years past I had golfed with people who never knew what their ball would do when hit from the tee. Tuesday night I was that guy, and I had no idea what happened. Sure, there were some problems with my mechanics, but I was also terribly nervous. Anxiety got the best of me.
I feel silly admitting this, because we were not playing for money or great prestige. But performing in sports, even in the most modest of competitions, always makes me nervous. I sense people watching me and fear their mockery. The last time I played a sport with any meaning attached to it was in Michigan when our church was part of a town softball league. Every game I was nervous, which helps some people perform better, but not me.
Even if it hurts my performance, I like occasional opportunities to feel nervous. They remind me how connected my body is to my mind. In daily life I rarely sense that others watch what I do and hardly ever fear what they think about me. But in a competition I worry about what people think of me as a person, as if my self-worth is tied to how well or how poorly I play.
My worry is a lie. I know my value as a person has nothing to do with how well I strike a ball. I know the people I am with are not judging me as a person, but there is a gap between what I know and what I feel. I feel unsure and shaky. And while I sometimes like to feel anxious, just to be reminded what it is like, I would hate being nervous all the time. I have met some people who struggle through life that way.
Psalm 139 is our church’s Scripture reading passage for this week. David begins it by saying that God has searched him and known him. No matter where David goes, God is there. No matter what stage of life David occupies, God is with him, and David finds much comfort in God’s presence. David ends this psalm by saying, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps 139:23-24).
David does not say what makes him anxious, but verses 19-22 point to political enemies who stand against God and his people. The source of David’s anxiety was obviously more legitimate than a friendly sporting event. But even so, David’s prayer to God is not that his anxiety would magically disappear. Instead, it is for God to test and know David’s anxious thoughts and see if any of them are offensive. If so, may God lead David into an everlasting way. And if not? David never says, but his psalm implies that some anxious thoughts are worthwhile. Not every anxious thought offends God. Jesus’ prayer in the garden just before Judas betrayed him reveals as much.
Anxious thoughts offend God when they keep us from doing what God has called us to do. Think of how God dealt with Moses in Exodus chapter 3 when God summoned him to free his people from slavery in Egypt. Moses had good reasons to be anxious about going back to Egypt since he fled from there as a fugitive. Once there, he was to convince his own people, who hated him, to follow him out of Egypt after persuading Pharaoh to let all of his slave labor go for free. Moses’ anxiety was well placed. But God does not only summon his people to do things that come easy and carefree. Sometimes, his call will make us nervous, and that is okay, for it is hard to control how we react in our feelings. What offends God is how we respond with our behavior, especially when we refuse to do what he has called us to do. Nervousness is not a compelling defense in God’s court. God responded to Moses by telling him that he would be with him and help him. And he did.
There are many aspects of the Christian life that can cause anxiety: Praying out loud with people in groups, sharing testimonies in front of the congregation, joining a small group or Sunday School, witnessing to neighbors, and so on. It is hard to overcome anxious thoughts, especially if you have convinced yourself you will be terrible at it and rejected by all who see you try. Consider praying David’s prayer the next time God’s call makes you nervous. Ask God to test and know your anxious thoughts and see if they are offensive. If so, ask him to lead you in the way everlasting. David calls it the “everlasting way” and not the “easy way” for good reason.
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