Sexual Attractiveness Is Not a Debt; It Does Not Need to Be Paid Back
I've been really into feminist literature lately and it's made me rethink some things that have been happening in my life over the last few years.
One thing that I--and I'm sure many other women--have been told, is that we should "be flattered" when we receive unwanted male (and sometimes female) attention.
I'm reading this great book called BITCHFEST
and it just got into a chapter on rape and society's treatment of it.
This "be flattered" attitude ties into society's tendency to "victim blame." You look a certain way, you must be asking for attention--right?
WRONG.
Yes, it's nice to be found attractive...but having someone finding you attractive doesn't mean you owe them anything. You don't owe them a date, you don't owe them a smile, and you certainly don't have to reciprocate those feelings. Of course, if you do that, you might very well find yourself being called "a bitch."
I quickly learned at a young age that niceness would be construed by certain people as sexual interest. That sometimes, you have to be mean. And that being mean in these situations isn't real "meanness." It's being assertive.
It's saying, "I am not interested, and if you respect that--and me, as a human being with my own thoughts and feelings--you will back the fuck off."
You know society isn't equal when you're forced to choose between "asking for it" and "being a bitch."
Just my thoughts. I've been thinking about this all day and decided to post and see what you folks think. :)
One thing that I--and I'm sure many other women--have been told, is that we should "be flattered" when we receive unwanted male (and sometimes female) attention.
I'm reading this great book called BITCHFEST
and it just got into a chapter on rape and society's treatment of it.
This "be flattered" attitude ties into society's tendency to "victim blame." You look a certain way, you must be asking for attention--right?
WRONG.
Yes, it's nice to be found attractive...but having someone finding you attractive doesn't mean you owe them anything. You don't owe them a date, you don't owe them a smile, and you certainly don't have to reciprocate those feelings. Of course, if you do that, you might very well find yourself being called "a bitch."
I quickly learned at a young age that niceness would be construed by certain people as sexual interest. That sometimes, you have to be mean. And that being mean in these situations isn't real "meanness." It's being assertive.
It's saying, "I am not interested, and if you respect that--and me, as a human being with my own thoughts and feelings--you will back the fuck off."
You know society isn't equal when you're forced to choose between "asking for it" and "being a bitch."
Just my thoughts. I've been thinking about this all day and decided to post and see what you folks think. :)
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Sassy Sarah Reads
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Jun 16, 2014 09:27PM
I curled my hair one day and someone told me it was a really pretty. I felt pretty and confident and said, "Thanks." The person had the nerve to ask me why I had to be so happy about a compliment. Sorry I was just being polite and responding back. I didn't know I was supposed to roll my eyes or ignore being complimented. I don't understand this double standard of if you like or accept compliments it's girly (I just consider say thank you as being polite), but if you ignore the compliment then they get all mad.
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That's bullshit. What a jerk. I don't get double-standards like that, either.
This, just this. I can't tell you how many times my niceness/kindness have been mistaken in this manner, especially when I clearly state that I have a boyfriend and NOT interested. Repeatedly. They just don't get it, and when they realize there's a problem or they get ganged up, they blame me who is merely being myself for giving any 'hints', when I've clearly stated I wasn't.It is highly stupid.
Not to mention insulting on my part to be called a beyotch or whatever nastiness will result in being 'rejected'
It is tiring and I hate being a beyotch about it, but sometimes it is highly necessary. Especially when you can't exactly change your username, block, etc or what have you in real life.
Pretty much everything I've read about women and rape/harassment in the media has had me going like,
R U SRS?
Yes, I agree with the experience that being nice is misconstrued as sexual interest. I have had this happened to me with men over and over again and it gets tiring always being on guard when I really just want to be my neutral self.
@Tim: Thanks for sharing that blog article, Tim. I really liked that! :)@Eva Rose: And you should be able to. You seem like a really awesome person--and I know I would seriously love to have guy friends without feeling pressured to date them. :)
@Tim: I've always said that in this wording "I have a boyfriend so I'm not interested, and even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would still not be interested, I'm not interested, period, thank you and have a good day."But yes, it certainly does present an interesting perspective to take into account.
@Tim: Yes, exactly. Although some will try and 'down play' to get my guard down by lying they're not looking for that or whatever bull they spew. Then they just pounce which REALLY pisses me off something terrible. Like I'm here for a decent convo, why the hell must I have to be 'interested' in you or having to worry about you expecting an 'equal' pay in return for my kindness?And people wonder why I give some people such a hard time? Especially guys. It's because this crapshit keeps getting pulled on me EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME when I've made myself very clear repeatedly. They just don't get it.
Then it just irks me off even more so when they start to whine and complain, which makes me rebuke by saying "and this is why you asses get 'friendzoned' SO hard", of course this sends them over the edge leading me to say "okay you've dug your grave, creep, good bye." *leaves*
No means no.
PERIOD.
Tim wrote: "Wait, I think the tumblr page may have just moved here - http://okcupidsniceguys.tumblr.com/"HAHAHAHA. Oh my gosh, that is great.
Guys who complain about not getting women even though they're so 'nice' are usually not so nice... I think they are just assholes who think that just because they are slightly less asshole-y a round women they are 'nice.' But they are just diet-asshole.
Of course, there are a number of actually nice guys in the world, and these guys usually do not have trouble getting women. Or if they do, it is simply because they are shy or just haven't found the right one yet imho. :)
Wow, Aly, what the heck?That totally makes me think of that scene in Mean Girls when Regina's all like:
Double-standards are not cool. And I am so tired of people telling me that things are equal now so I shouldn't be all wrapped up in feminist nonsense because things are not equal. People have just gotten sneakier about it. -.-
Tim wrote: "Oh, yeah, there was a tumblr page called "Nice Guys of OkCupid" that documented self-proclaimed "nice guys" who think they're entitled to women because they're "nice" and complain about being "frie..."I don’t know who to start a slow-clap for first…Nenia or Tim!
One of the many things I find frustrating about the “waaah, girls don’t like me because I’m too nice” pity-party is that the guys saying it usually think that “being nice” means being dishonest! These guys usually just pretend to agree with everything the girl they’re trying to impress says or does, under the guise of “being nice”. Let’s face it…NO two people on the planet will ever agree on every single thing. And of course, you certainly can disagree with someone and still be nice about it. But these guys seem to look at it like ”What, I refused to form any opinion or insight of my own, instead I just nod my head at everything she says…HOW MUCH NICER CAN I BE?!?”
If a guy asks a girl on a date and she politely declines, a truly nice guy will respect her decision and move on with his life. It certainly doesn’t mean he can’t still be friends with her, it just means that he accepts she doesn’t want that kind of relationship with him. If instead, the guy’s response is to refuse to accept her answer and then label her “stuck-up” or a “bitch”, then clearly he’s not really all that nice…
