Keeping Up Appearances

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Keeping Up Appearances

Walking through San Francisco’s Fishman’s Wharf a couple of years ago we saw a homeless man holding up a sign that read, “Spare $$$ for Alcohol Research.”

I’m not one to contribute to the delinquency of, well, anyone, but this man’s outright honesty made me stop. (We also got a picture with his permission.)

He told us exactly what his intentions were. There was no wondering about where it would go, if he was scamming us, or if he secretly lived in a upscale condo on the other side of town. None of that mattered. He wanted a drink. He said so. We gave him the money.

I’ve been on a journey over the last year to come clean, completely clean. Going Gay laid everything on the line: the pain, the mistakes, the fears and the quest for wholeness. Since I’ve started this journey I’ve been bombarded with messages from others longing to do the same. They don’t always feel what they believe. In fact, sometimes their beliefs conflict with their realities. They wouldn’t dare say it out loud, at least not in their churches or their homes. Sad, really. Those are the places we should be able to say what we think and feel without fear of abandonment, judgment or retribution.

I thought the reason I kept up appearances was so others would like me. In reality, I kept up appearances because I didn’t like myself. No amount of money, education or stuff changed that. Keeping it together was exhausting and unfulfilling. My self-hatred made me think even God looked down on me with a disparaging eye.

I’ve learned that the solution to some of life’s biggest problems often lie in the opposite behavior that seems most intuitive. I want to be alone when I’m depressed, but spending time with others helps me get through it. Giving things away seems to bring the most fulfilling rewards.

The same can be said for keeping up appearances. The only ones really impressed by them are us. When we look like we have it all together, it separates us from others who don’t feel like they do. In reality, none of us do. Let’s be honest, life is messy. Life is too short to pretend we’re living. So, in the words of the much too popular song from the movie Frozen, just let it go.

Tim

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