GO FLY A METAPHORICAL KITE
So many sad things happen to us and around us that are completely out of our control. Parents getting older and having health issues, we are getting older having our own health issues, parenting woes, war, violence, financial worries, safety concerns, abuse, neglect. The list is endless. I also know there are some beautiful and amazing things on the flip side. My daughter’s smile is the only one that comes to mind but they are also endless.
Why then does depression make all of those things seem apart from us? Why does depression keep us locked inside its castle and demand we stay inside? It keeps whispering you are worthless. You need only to look outside yourself to measure just how worthless. Depression feels so selfish and to avoid looking selfish we ignore its existence. We keep trying to hide the echoing words of self hate under the floorboards in our heart.
I see things around me that make me feel worthless, I find things to substantiate my claim. And I miss all the evidence to the contrary. My insecurity hides fairly well behind a well rehearsed smile but I can feel myself slowly exposing her and some day I will be free of her.
I don’t want to talk
Not about her
My insecurity
She is whiny and mean
And strong and selfish
The nastiest part of me
Things whir by
And she catches them
In the corner of her eye
I don’t understand
The why’s anymore
She just controls things
Tries to fill in everything
She disguises herself as logic
She is the creator of words
Setting Trigger Warnings
Like traps with steel teeth
Spring loaded waiting to wound
In the darkness, unexposed
Whispering things like
Freshly Pressed is only
For those who can write
Poetry doesn’t sell
Unless you are interesting
They are real writers
Why?
Because they make you feel
“This is shit” she screams
‘You are shit” she declares
She controls everything
She is an evil little bitch
And I am tired
Of fighting to become
What she feels is enough
So I am writing this “shit”
Against her advice
And exposing her anger
Her ugly insides
But…
I don’t want to talk about it
I just want her
To go fly a fucking kite
