Chemo Brain
Chemo Brain
We all know what a horrible thing cancer is. They invented chemo to save you from it. Chemo is an entirely awful thing in and of itself, regardless of the blessing it may carry with bringing you a second chance at life. So many things happen in your body that you didn’t ever think you’d go through. From phantom pain, to random spasms, horrible uncontrollable clenching, mouth sores so bad that you can’t intake anything, walking pneumonia; everybody’s list is different. Then there’s the draining feeling, walking around like a zombie, barely being able to climb a set of stairs, watching your muscles wither away into nothingness. After it is all said and done and the cancer is gone, you’re left with a whole new brain. Everything in your mind changes. There are glimmers of the person that you used to be, but when you go into cancer you don’t come out the same. Where as I used to be able to read normally, now I look at a page with words and my eyes go everywhere but to where they should go first. Then I randomly try to find my place by glancing all over the page until I focus my eyes to the top right. Simple arithmetic has become a problem for me now— granted numbers were never my strong suit—I’m talking simple long division is now a challenge. Grocery stores are terrifying for me. I have a problem making simple decisions and now I find myself inundated with choices, terrified that I’ll make the wrong one. Planning things out is a struggle. I have to think of everything I have to accomplish and truly sit down and figure out my day, where as I used to fly by the seat of my pants and just go with the flow. For me, I don’t know if it’s everyone, now there is the insomnia. When it is time to go to sleep, I used to be able to lay my head down, let my thoughts wander a bit and slowly drift off to dreamland. Now when I lay my head down, my thoughts and words find me but when sleep comes for me, my words burst the soft mists of sleep and now dreamland eludes me. Last night, I tried everything. I took calcium and magnesium, rubbed lemon and lavender on the soles of my feet, drank my chamomile, and meditated before sleep. I felt relaxed. When I went upstairs to my room and laid my head down I was sleepy, my mind was sleepy. Thoughts of the day surrounded my mind and I gently shoved the thoughts away. This beautiful black and blue and sparkling mist came drifting towards me and I was ready to follow it to the land of dreams. Right when I was about to drift, English words deluged my mist and it slowly scampered away. It happened a few times and when I realized I wasn’t going to get to go to that beautiful place last night, I came and laid on the couch. I passed out a few times from sheer exhaustion, but passing out and sleeping aren’t the same. I have come to realize I have a new brain. I have to figure out how to shut off the words so I can join the mists of dreamland. The irony in it all is that during the day my words are my gift. At night they are my curse. With this new brain of mine I have to find a way to shut off the words so the mists will come for me again. I will figure this out as I always do, but it is a trying time for me. Cancer changes who you are. I am still me, there are just new facets to me that I have to learn about. It will become a part of who I am and I will embrace it when I learn how to control it, but for now it is a curse.
