Like it or not, Likeability Matters [Repost]
The recent series of NFL (see Detroit and Tampa) and NCAA (see USC) coaching changes exposes a growing reality that exists for those in management and leadership: Likeability matters. If you don’t treat people well, and others don’t like you, no one will come to your rescue when things go sour. Gone (for a while at least) are the days where leaders can lead and not care if anyone likes them. The drill sergeant model doesn’t work for the long term, and often has questionable results for the short term.
If you have a dominant personality, one that leans task-0riented (what is commonly known as a “high D” personality), you’ll have to be extra attentive to this gap. Though you have have people lining-up behind you, they can just as easily be secretly resenting that and counting the minutes until they can be out of there.
All of us want to be more likeable. Well, I hope so. Likeability matters more than ever - for managers, pastors, teachers, and even authors. If people aren’t drawn to you, there are plenty of others to go follow, work alongside, or give our attention to.
Fortunately, there are three practices each of us can do to be more likeable.
Listen. I don’t mean notice. I mean, listen. How good of a listener are you? Or do you often do most of the talking? That’s the first quick measurement of our ability to listen. Think of the people you lead. Can they share with you what’s on their mind? This past month for me has been super busy and I have this nagging feeling that I just need to spend time with those around me, just talking, listening, and reconnecting now that a new season has begun. The issue here is that you and I can’t determine whether we’ve listened or not. The others around us need to feel like they’ve been heard. If you’re married, you know the difference.
Develop warmth. This one is less easy. It’s more than a single step, especially for those of us who are task oriented. Warmth is the ability to give grace to others so that they can be exactly who they were created to be when around you. Do you seem like a “yes” person or a “no” person? Do you know how to welcome others in, can you laugh, and are you even able to enjoy a mistake or failure? Listen, as much as we esteem various strategies and processes, the final evaluation for many of our decisions about what to do is whether we like someone or some organization.
Empathize with others. The fundamental issue with likeability is that one of its elements is to not focus on ourselves. As we listen and develop warmth, empathy is the result that will seal the deal. We all want to be known by others as we are, and we spend each day carefully crafting our interactions with others so that we relate in an acceptable (and likeable) way! Usually. It’s when a person connects with us that we feel safe, they “get” us.
The themes in this post have been constant for me on this blog because I’m regularly surprised at how often people push others away. And in doing so, we miss opportunities. I remember reading a book by author Chuck Sambuchino of Writer’s Digest. While traveling, he was sitting next to a lady who he guessed was an aspiring writer and so he asked. She was an unpublished author and, instead of telling her story, had quickly assessed whether Chuck could be worth talking to. She guessed he wasn’t and in a prickly fashion dismissed him directly. Little did she know that she was speaking to a guy who’s Twitter tagline says, “I help writers get published.”
How often do we miss similar opportunities because of our defensiveness, pride, and prejudice?
We all have amazing people around us in our lives and work. They are not obstacles to eliminate, peasants to be lorded over, or robots to get to do our bidding. They are wonderful people with fascinating stories and numerous talents and capabilities.
What is it that makes you “like” someone?
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