On Putting Yourself Out There and Resolutions

A couple of weeks ago, due to a series of interesting circumstances, I ended up having a minivan for about a week. I normally drive a Jetta, so this was a bit of an adjustment. It was hard to park in the city, I felt like I was peering down at the world below me, and I had no idea how close anything was to my rear end. It wasn’t fun.

I ended up getting a flat tire in the van on the way to do my Christmas shopping, which was the start to one of the most introspective days I’ve had in a while. I got in a fight with the tow truck driver when he refused to put the dummy tire on and tried to tow me to a car wash instead of a garage in a blinding snowstorm. I told him I was going to complain about him, and eventually he agreed to take me across the street to a garage, where I was told that it was going to be 2-3 days to put a new tire on the van, since everyone in Toronto waited until the first serious snowstorm to put snow tires on and they were very backed up.

The head mechanic must have caught my face drop, because after telling me all this, he followed up by telling me he’d fit me in and to come back in a couple of hours, which was just enough time to do my Christmas shopping.

I know not everyone that reads this blog knows my husband, but he’s got a series of largely positive qualities that both impress and infuriate me. He’s frustratingly levelheaded and annoyingly rational. I called him when I knew I was going to have to deal with the tow truck driver, and he hopped on the subway and sat in the freezing cold van while we waited an hour for him to show up. He listened to me argue with the tow truck driver, watched the mechanic make an exception for me, and when, three hours after I’d set out that morning, we sat down for lunch and I started on about reporting the tow truck driver, he asked me something that didn’t make everything better, but it provided a pretty important reality check.

He asked me if I was going to write a positive letter for the mechanic as well. I hadn’t even thought of it until he brought it up.

I haven’t written letters for either. Not yet.

There are a lot of things that no one tells you when you publish a book. Although I’ve been writing online for a number of years, I’m not sure I was prepared for what it feels like to slap your name on something and have people tell you what they think of it.

I’m not sure it’s possible to be prepared. I don’t mean this in an entirely or even mostly negative way. I have as hard a time responding to praise as to criticism. I’ve never had a well-developed ego, though as I cross into my thirties it is becoming a more tangible thing.

I’m not naive enough to think that the first book I published was going to be for everyone. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about the number of people that bought it because they know me through real life or my other writing, and would never otherwise pick up a book like Campbell because it’s not their thing. I worried about the expectation that those around me would feel obliged to buy my book because they know me. I worry a lot about what people would think of me based on the contents of the book, especially more conservative readers, like people that know my mom. My best possible outcome was that more people would like it than not, and so far, they have.

Fiction is subjective. I’ve read a lot of fiction that I didn’t enjoy that’s won some impressive prizes. I’ve stopped reading a lot of books partway through because they didn’t catch my attention. I’ve loved a lot of things and never written reviews for them.

My New Years resolution for 2013 is to worry less.

Another resolution is to focus on the good.

I know the internet isn’t always a very nice place. I’ve been hanging out here on and off for over a decade now, and it’s really a lot like the Dave Chappelle skit. I’ve had my fair share of heated conversations with people over differences of opinion over the years, and I when I decided to put myself and my book out there, I knew there would be people that weren’t into it. Working in the industry, I’ve seen reviews both personally and professionally that are spiteful, mean, and completely nonconstructive in every way long before Campbell was a twinkle in my eye. Not everyone sets out to read or review a book with the aim of helping the author improve, and that’s fine. It’s not the average reader’s job. I’ve been lucky to have a number of people that I have a great deal of respect for that have been willing to do just that though, and that’s been awesome.

I knew when I started Campbell, that it would be different than anything else I’ve written, and that was exciting. I knew there would be people that would want more back story than I was willing to put into book one, since I’d already imagined how they’d fit into the following two books. I didn’t write the world’s most identifiable heroine because I wouldn’t read that story. I didn’t give it a cut and dry ending because you don’t get that in life. One thing I knew though through every late night, every deleted paragraph (and there were a lot of them), was that I was writing the book I wanted to write. That is the overwhelming reason I decided to put my blood, sweat, and a few (formatting) related tears into self-publishing.

I’ve got drafts of three mostly complete projects sitting on my computer. This series was the first thing I’ve written that I wanted to put out there. I keep a running list of future dream projects (including one with pirates, though not of the space variety, E), some of which I’m sure will appeal to an entirely different audience. I think that’s okay. I plan to do this for a while.

It would be really easy to obsess over the tiny bit of negativity that’s seeped in since publishing Campbell, but I know if I did that, it wouldn’t help me become a better writer, and that’s my personal end goal. Instead, I’m going to choose to focus on the overwhelming amount of people who read Campbell and enjoyed it, and keep writing. I’m going to think about the people that I’ve reconnected with that have read it and, despite having not talked in years have dropped me a line to let me know they liked it. The few excited discussions about it that I’ve happened on in random places. The people who have asked me to send them autographed copies. The readers that have asked questions that I’m excited to already have written the answers to in book two and that have made me think about the world I’ve created in more critical terms as I work on book three. I’m going to focus on the amazing authors and bloggers that have been willing to share their thoughts on my book with their audiences.

In 2013, I’m going to focus on writing the good letters over the bad. At the end of the day, they’re the ones that make the world a better place.

On that note, thank you, thank you, for making my first year as an author a very exciting one. At the end of the day, you should write for yourself, but all authors dream of having people read and engage with their writing, and that’s been the best gift anyone could give me this holiday season. I’m looking forward to many more books and years with you.

CS