More on the Meaning of the Act-Out

I have written about how we, most of us, act out our unfulfilled needs and feelings. We act out because those needs remain active throughout our lives., and we still seek fulfillment even if we are not conscious of what we are doing. The act-out, in short, is as unconscious as the need/feeling. Since we cannot beg mother to love us when we are forty we try to get it in other ways, and those ways are known as act-outs. We can all choose our poison (how we do it), but too many of us never know we act out. But there is a hidden force in there that most of us do not understand. The drive, the compulsion has a biologic side; there is a churning of physiologic forces that wear down our organs because the act-out is, alas, unrequited and requires unrelenting effort for a lifetime. So it is not just behavior, it is what is going on inside of us, at the same time. That means tension, as all of us, is working overtime. And part of that work is dealing with the pain of unfulfilled need, which means repression.

The act-out is not benign. One might say, what does it matter that one has to keep active and unable to relax? It matters because the system is always on the alert to seek fulfillment. We become attached to authority figures tying to get approval, or attached to an aggressive man trying to feel protected. Or we gamble to try to feel like a winner. It seems so common that we think it is normal. But when the system breaks down later on it becomes the price we pay.

We need fulfillment early on. There is a critical period for fulfillment and it is rather short-lived and limited; it ends rather quickly. Any time after that our actions are symbolic; we can no longer be fulfilled; the critical period has passed. It is too late; sadly, it can never be made up for. So why is someone hooked on heavy drugs? Because he is not fulfilling old lacks that still need fulfilling. The drug is calming, perhaps, events during womb-life or at birth. But is never fulfilling. And here lies the enigma. For parents may be decent and loving, but they cannot make up for terrible lacks and traumas in the first few months of life. If love could do it then the problem could be solved, but it can’t. No matter how much a parent wants to, he cannot love neurosis away. Love cannot penetrate the barrier of the gates, which are busy blocking- out input from inside and out.

I used to think that it was the act-out that would be the death of us; but I now believe it is the underlying feeling that keeps the system activated and forces the act-out. The daredevil is constantly doing something death-defying. He is facing death and conquering it, a replay of his early life. But the imprint of approaching death is still imprinted and forces him to do it again and again. A counselor can insist that you stop this negative behavior but she doesn’t see the force below that drives it. Need forces unrelenting behavior. It is out of control because it is already controlled by unconscious forces, which are stronger than any act of will.