The Faux Gay Geek: A Guide

So, you’re a gay geek and you’re on the search for a geeky companion. Like many gay men do, you hop on Scruff (or Grindr, or Growlr, or any “dating” app of your choice) and you come across him:


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And in his profile is this:


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Wow! That’s a geek? Unfortunately, this may not be the case. The term “geek” has become ubiquitous in the gay community and so have the imposters. With geek culture being embraced by the mainstream media, being a geek has become trendy. Few people want to be “cool” and “popular” anymore, because the bad guys are always cool and popular and the good guys are the geeky underdogs, so says every 80s and 90s movie which nurtured this generation. This has led to many, and I mean MANY, people claiming to be geeks who are not. Guys who, in the past, would have wanted to be “cool” now want to be “geeks” in order to be cool (that is sense-making, yes?). So what is a true, gay geek looking for true, gay, geeky love to do? How does one discern the “Faux Geek” from the genuine article? Well, these examples below can help guide you.


(Disclaimer: Yes, some people are well-rounded and have a variety of interests. Relax, this is just for fun.)


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Faux Geek: “I just loved the Avengers movie. I’m such a geek!”


True Geek: “I really hope the Vision makes a cameo in the next Avengers movie!”



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Faux Geek: Spends five days a week at the gym, reads one book a year.


True Geek: Hours of reading equals or surpasses gym time. (Note: some geeks unaware how to use gym.)



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Faux Geek: Sings “Sweet Transvestite” for karaoke.


True Geek: Sings anything by Monty Python for karaoke. 



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Faux Geek: Carries a condom…just in case.


True Geek: Carries a Sonic Screwdriver…just in case.



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Faux Geek: Tries to emulate Regina George to sound extra sassy.


True Geek: Tries to emulate Lumpy Space Princess to sound extra sassy.



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Faux Geek: “STELLA!”


True Geek: “KAHN!” 



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Faux Geek: “I LOVE Wonder Woman. Lynda Carter is the only Wonder Woman! I’m such a geek!”


True Geek: “I can’t choose between Perez, Jimenez, or Azzarello’s Wonder Woman. They’re all so good!”




Faux Geek: Will wear superhero T-shirt, but only if it’s from the boys department to show off body.


True Geek: Will wear superhero T-shirt to correspond with the latest superhero movie premiere, taking comfort into account.



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Faux Geek: Occasionally exclaims, “hunty” or “gurrrl!”


True Geek: Occasionally exclaims, “frak”, “frag”, or “frell!”



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Faux Geek: Fondly remembers watching the X-Men cartoon as a kid.


True Geek: Fondly remembers watching the X-Men cartoon last month on Netflix. Again.



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Faux Geek: Will lazily dress as a superhero if it’s “sexy”.


True Geek: Fully. Costumed. Nightcrawler.



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Faux Geek: Favorite musical is Rent.


True Geek: Favorite musical is the episode “Once More with Feeling” from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.



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Faux Geek: Favorite drink: Jack ‘n Diet with friends at the club.


True Geek: Favorite drink: Mountain Dew, with friends, while playing WoW (could be diet. Probably not diet).



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Faux Geek: Pleased that Lady Gaga had a holiday special.


True Geek: Inconsolable that yet another year will go by without George Lucas/Disney releasing the Star Wars Holiday Special to the public.



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Faux Geek: Played Pokemon: Red in middle school.


True Geek: Beat Pokemon: X last week.



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Faux Geek: Watches The Big Bang Theory because it’s like watching a strange, foreign culture.


True Geek: Comprehends every word and disagrees with Sheldon’s assertions about Superman.



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Faux Geek: “And then I said, ‘Drink your juice, Shelby.’ I’m such a geek!”


True Geek: “The cake is a lie.”



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Faux Geek: Best beard: Babydaddy.


True Geek: Best beard: Wil Wheaton.



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Faux Geek: Thinks Michael Keaton is the best Batman.


True Geek: KNOWS Kevin Conroy is the best Batman.



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Faux Geek: Owns Transformers: Dark of the Moon on Blu-ray.


True Geek: Still owns Transformers action figures from childhood. 



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Faux Geek: “That episode of Glee made me feel SO much, I have to go out and drink now.”


True Geek: “I might go out and drink, but only if the shock from tonight’s Legend of Korra wears off.”



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Faux Geek: “Chris Pine is the hottest Captain Kirk. I’m such a geek!”


True Geek: “Nathan Fillion. Hottest captain. Period.”



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Faux Geek: “I was always Team Jacob. I’m such a geek!”


True Geek: “May the odds be ever in Peeta’s favor.”



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Faux Geek: Waits in line to see Kylie Minogue in concert.


True Geek: Waits in line to see “Neville Longbottom”.



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Faux Geek: Cakes on make-up to dress in drag for a turnabout show.


True Geek: Cakes on make-up to dress in Cosplay for a comic con.



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Faux Geek: “Woof!”


True Geek: “So say we all!”


Obviously, these examples won’t apply to everyone, but hopefully now you have an idea of how to detect Faux Geeks. Early detection is everything. Protect yourself and your geekdom! 

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Published on December 12, 2013 15:42
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