On Respecting Yourself and Slut Shaming

There is a blog post making the rounds in which a grown woman and mother of teen boys publicly slut shames her son’s friends. That’s a problem and better people than me have refuted it neatly. So I wasn’t going to contribute anything, but then this image popped into my Pinterest feed and what the hell.

Here’s what the image says:

My fellow women of the world:

Put on some clothes. You want a man to give you the time of day, leave a little up to the imagination and respect yourself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder is anyone you want it to be.

I wanted to believe this image was created and shared ironically, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening. I think they’re seriously shaming the women around them and doing it proudly, and that’s a problem too. It seems people are pinning it in earnest, so rather than just snark on twitter, here’s my earnest counterargument.

My fellow women of the world:

Any guy who disrespects a woman because of the way she dresses is an asshole. Even if he’s nice to you, but mean to another girl because of how she dresses, he’s an asshole. Same goes if he disrespects a girl because of her looks, her race, her sexual orientation–or really, if he’s disrespectful and mean in general. This isn’t a guy you need to bother associating with, and he’s definitely not a guy you should date, and he’s most definitely not a guy you need to change for.

Respecting yourself is about knowing yourself and doing what works for you. We all have different comfort levels for what we wear. For example, the way the female character in the image above dressed and acted was considered slutty by people in that time period and society. And yet now, she’s being held up as an example for what’s demure and respected. Strange? Yes! But that just goes to show we all have different standards. Be true to your own. That’s how you respect yourself.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And the beholder is anyone you want it to be. So, all things considered, shouldn’t the beholder be you? You’re the one who has to live with yourself every day! You’re the one putting in all that time and money to pretty yourself up. You’re the one dealing with waxing and heels that pinch (or not putting up with them, if you don’t want to). So go ahead and look beautiful for yourself, whatever that means to you.

If you want, you can also let the beholder be your significant other or your lover or whomever you want, your choice. But don’t bother trying to mold yourself to look “beautiful” for the anonymous internet person who you’ll never meet, who wrote this gif to shame girls she doesn’t even know.

After all, what if I’m wearing plaid and she doesn’t like plaid? Respect yourself! Choose solids or stripes, if you want a man to respect you. But that is nonsensical, and so is this.

My fellow women of the world, there are people in this world who want to disrespect you. And contrary to what this image implies, they’re often not men. They’re women. And they’ll say they want to help you, but they don’t. They want to control and demean you, simply because your fashion sense doesn’t match theirs.

You can respect yourself and wear whatever you want. In fact, if you respect yourself, you should wear whatever you want. They go together, one following the other, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.