SPAMmed Again

E-mail to the friends/family/reader account, posted without permission (you SPAM me, you take your chances):

Subject: 1st Page On Google!!!
Date: 8/28/2013 3:32:04 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
From: [kindness duct tape]
Reply To:
To: Send IM to: LynnViehlLynnViehl@aol.com

Hi, LynnViehl@aol.com

Hi, Clueless@WhereTheHeckIsThat.com.

I am [kindness duct tape], Online SEO Consultant.

Uh-huh. Do you know that your given name is pretty close to a very rude English word for booty, and I'm not talking about the pirate variety?

As per the trends in your industry – over 80% of people search for your products/services online and buy the same.

Really? 80% of people search for and want to buy my books? Wow, I'd better call my editor; we're going to need a bigger first print run.

These rankings also influence other channels of sales as well.

Sure. Just think of what all my sales will do for the bookmark and booklight industries. Not to mention the papercut-size bandaid people.

It would be recommended if you go for search engine optimization (SEO)

Oh, so that's what SEO means. I was thinking you were a trip planner for South Korea but you were tired and didn't want to type out Seoul. So search engines, yeah. I am on the first page on Google for a lot of writing-related stuff, you know: novel outlininging, freeware for writers, that sort of thing. Would love to be on the first Google page for things like Authors with Normal Hair and Writers Who Can River Dance. But then I'd have to get a hair cut and take Irish stepdancing lessons from Michael Flatley, and then we'd probably have all kinds of creative differences over whether or not I should wear a skirt that covers my knee brace . . . no, on second thought, let's just stick with the writing stuff.

for your site which would increase your web visibility and generate better prospects traffic to your website.

I'm already more visible on the web than I ever wanted to be, and . . . hey, are you insulting my visitors?

There is a simple equation that is applicable to the online world.

Don't change the subject, dude. My visitors may not exactly be rolling in cash, but they're great prospects -- the best prospects, in fact. Not one of them would ever get published, go platinum and pretend they don't know me and/or badmouth my books. Just you watch.

Ethical SEO -> Better Traffic -> Higher Sales -> Higher Revenue

Maybe I don't want higher sales. Maybe what I really want is some cheesecake. You know, the really dense delicious New York kind of cheesecake? With strawberries and a big hot steaming cup of Chai, in front of a roaring fireplace with my guy to feed it to me, while he's weaing that really old pair of old jeans with the rip across the right thigh, and that white button-down shirt . . . sigh. Uh, the higher sales? Not so much.

Just wondering, if you would be interested improving the position of your website for the key terms your clients would be using to search your services.

Services here are provided for free, friend. If they want free, they'll find me.

In case you require any additional information, it shall be our pleasure to furnish the same. No obligations. Do let me know if you are interested and I would be happy to give you details about our services, price list and offers.

Yeah, yeah, same here.

I look forward of your reply.

And you might want to check for space in that English 102 class. Just saying.