How To Get Fast Service...

...at a sports bar notorious for serving burgers on geologic time.

1-Walk in the door carrying a coffee table book on Nazis and the occult. Make sure the title is in big letters, especially the words "Nazi" and "Occult".
2-Sit at the bar, right in front of the popular beer taps.
3-Prop the book up and start reading, making sure that everyone on that side of the bar can in fact see what you are reading.

They will not be able to serve you and get you out of there fast enough. I should have thought ...