BTM’S Fast and Furious Guide to Creating Your Very Own Writing Blog

So you’re thinking of starting your own writing blog. Maybe because you’ve done your market research and you know that the three things the internet sorely lacks are porn sites, social networks and writing blogs. Or maybe because all your friends have their own and you’re feeling left out. Or maybe because the ones that already exist seem about as literary to you as a Kanye West fan site. You could do better, right? You could make HuffPo look like HillaryDuffPo. All you need is the time and money and technical know-how.

Well, we can’t help you with the time and money. But for technical know-how, you’ve come to the right place. Here, in print for the very first time, is Beyond The Margins’ Fast and Furious Guide to Creating Your Very Own Writing Blog (Revised Edition). Follow these 9 super-easy steps and you’ll be up and annoying the hell out of your friends and family in no time.

STEP 1: Settle for a Get a Domain Name

Don’t bother looking for a name that has anything to do with writing. They’ve all been taken. Look for things like “chipmunkrodeo.com,” “panties-stuck-in-my-butt-cheeks.com” or if you’re really desperate “AntoninScalia-gets-me-so-hot.com.” You can always figure out how to make it seem literary later. And avoid anything that has “margins” in it. (SO overdone.)

STEP 2: Find a Spanish Inquisition Provider Hosting Service

First, try to figure out what the difference is between WordPress.org and WordPress.com. Give up. Second, do a search for “hosting services.” Write down the first 10 that come up and label them “Hosting Services Run by Satan.” Throw this list away. Third, ask all your blogging friends what service they use. Label this list “Hosting Services More Hated Than the IRS.” Sign up with one of them anyway, because really, what difference does it make? They’re all going to fail you at the worst possible moment.

STEP 3: Agonize Over Pick a Theme/Design

If you’re running this blog solo, coming up with a design is super-easy. You flip through the dozens of WordPress themes available, realize they’re all pretty lame, then close your eyes and pick one. But if you’re collaborating on a blog, beware. Choosing a mutually acceptable design is harder than picking whom to eat while stranded on a desert island. One strategy: Sneer at every suggestion until the group gets sick of you and lets you choose. Another strategy: Quit in a huff and start your own blog. (See Step 1.)

STEP 4: Create Your Fabricated Identity “About Us” Page

This is not the place to be honest. You’re creating an on-line resume, a page that says “Here are all the reasons why my rants, raves and ramblings should matter to you.” If people find out you’ve never actually published anything and only started writing because your Etsy crochet-Spanx business tanked or you wanted a hobby you could do with no pants on, they might not flock to your site. So pad, pad, pad.

STEP 5: Upload Your Vanity Author Photo

There are two schools of thought on this. The first is to look as much like an author as possible. Do the standard headshot with chin in hand, get a photo of you sitting behind a desk, drunk, or walking the moors with your retriever—whatever seems writerly to you. The second school of thought is to find an image that shouts out your personality: a kitten hanging from a tree, a naked zombie dancing gangnam style, a unicorn with all of the Kiss band tattooed on its rump—whatever screams “This is me!” A newer school of thought is to put up that pic you used for eHarmony and Match.com because damn, you look good in it, and if it fooled all those people…

STEP 6: Create & Publish Your Pablum Content

If you are just beginning your blog, you will have dozens of ideas begging to be put on virtual paper. Enjoy the moment. After the first 3 posts, you will be banging your head against your laptop trying to come up with a new idea.

Your first post should be warm, welcoming, humorous, literary, insightful, surprising and, most important of all, not plagiarized. Posts about the craft of writing usually do well. No one knows why, since every conceivable topic has already been written about ad nauseum. But there are evidently many people who still don’t know the difference between dialogue and plot. Avoid book reviews. The author will leave a nasty comment and you will end up in a blood feud that will go viral on Twitter within the hour and crash your server. Also, avoid posts on the future of publishing. You will be wrong no matter what you say. Last but not least, avoid satirical posts (like this one). They scream “Couldn’t think of a real idea!”

STEP 7: Annoy People Spread the Word

The minute you publish your post, tweet it out to the world. Post it on Facebook. Do a dramatic reading on YouTube. Hand out printed copies to everyone on the subway and scream it in line at Starbucks. Do all of this four or five times an hour, because, gosh, what if someone actually missed your post?

STEP 8: Reply to Snark Comments

If you forgot to install a spam-filtering plugin in WordPress, your first 350 comments will be about mail-order brides and pharmaceuticals. That being said, nearly every blog, no matter how new, gets a few legitimate comments. Why? Because there are a lot of people willing to go to any length to avoid work. Regardless of your readers’ motives, you should always reply to comments promptly and courteously.

Some examples of appropriate replies:

Thanks, Esmeralda! It really helps to have all the typos pointed out.
Wow, Pavlos! If you hadn’t put that link to your website in your comment, I might have missed your self-published memoir “Deductible Dreams: My 40 Years in the Madcap World of Insurance Claims Adjustment.”
Dear Mr. Raskolnikov, I’m so sorry my post offended you. I will never refer to “Victims of Accidental Lessor Mismemberment” as “landlady hackers” again.

Some examples of inappropriate replies:

Dear Mr. Smeagol, No, I do not think my argument is “precious.”
Jane, you stupid cow—you missed the point again.
Dear Fezzik, I do not think that word means what you think it means.
Dear Stinky English Type, Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

STEP 9: Obsess About Check Your Stats

Do this every thirty seconds. It won’t change the fact that barely 100 people found your deep thoughts worth reading, but it will give you something to do while you’re stewing. Also, it’s fun to try to figure out how a search for “red hot mega tatas” or “zombie skin care secrets” led 12 people to your site.

That’s it! Now get out there and start blogging!