WANT TO MARRY ME? *FULL TERMS AND CONDITIONS*

I’M ENGAGED!!

Just kidding. But if I ever need health insurance / a visa, I can be a very devoted husbandwife to you. In fact, should you lead me to the altar in order that I may fake my own identity or hide my raging homosexuality, I can offer you the following spousely services:

I shall be the most 19th Century of husbands

Breakfast in bed

Once per month
‘Continental’
(May refer to ‘loaf of stale bread thrown from a distance’)

Cleaning 

Myself
Sometimes

Hugs 

Once per birthday
May consist of an ‘air hug’ whilst making repulsed faces

Romantic trips to the beach 

Google Streetview
20 minutes

Revenge attacks 

One victim per week
Your choice of club, shovel, or metal chain

Surprise pets

Animal chosen at random
One per week
Pet food and pet care not included

Singing / Romantic seranades

Performed by you
Under a bridge
All profits directed to marital pet fund

Meat

Unmarked carrier bags
No questions

Fidelity

From you
One pool boy per half-hour for me

*Deluxe* revenge attack

Your choice of stanley knife, Mayan spear, or WW2 grenades

Travel

To / from work
To / from ‘marital counselling session’ (dropping me off at the poolboy’s cabin)

And last but not least:

Pointless drunken arguments about specific historical points

Your choice of political freedom in Classical Athens, reputation of the Spanish Conquistadors, legacy of Oliver Cromwell
4 hours of frightening, hysterical screaming
Broken crockery not replaced

That’s right, I’m the full package! Please check Craigslist for latest marital offers, then simply take my name and join the others in the ‘spousal dormitory’. It’s just like a sleepover! But with jealous spouses trying to shank you!

One at a time, ladies, gents, and neithers.

- Redfern

 

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