On Need Need Need

I will tell you a personal story; you may have heard it before but I want to make a point.  When I was twelve I was with my pals down the street, just talking and joking.  All of a sudden their mother came into the kitchen leaned against the butcher block and began rapping and joking too.   I was so amazed that I ran home and at dinner I recounted this bewildering event; parents talking to their children.  I never knew parents were supposed to talk to children because mine did not.  Of course I was castigated for mentioning that I wanted a mother like that.  But I reflected on need; you never know that you need or what you need until you see it or experience it.

A young girl asks for something specific time after time only to be told by her parents that they cannot afford it. She gives up asking and buries her need.  Where does it go? It is a biologic need to want a nice dress to look pretty and be attractive to boys.   To feel desired and wanted and admired.  It all stays hidden and gnaws away at the physical system from inside.   Needs never disappear; they remain for the rest of our lives , as they should since they are biologic. Like hunger, when you starve while in the womb you may stay hungry and overeat forever.

A young boy is reared by parents later in life who really did not want him.  Wherever he went later on he felt out of place, unwanted and not worthy of being there.  He felt that way, not knowing that he should feel cherished and desired for just being alive.  And so he goes through life shy, timid, difficult and afraid of being with people.   He always feels uncomfortable.  He does not know that he was unloved; all he knows is how he feels now.  And he accepts it as that is the way life is.

I am reminded of this by watching French television where they showed the life of director Jacques Demy.  He had a loving family who encouraged and praised and never put obstacles in his way.  And it hurts to watch, even now, because of what life could have been.  He wanted to be a film maker from early on and they bought him a camera, attended his beginning projections, praised and encouraged.  This is what so many of us missed and never knew what we missed or that we were even missing something.   We are just tense or anxious and it is a mystery.  Where does it come from? From hundreds of experiences of being denied, discouraged and not cherished.  Not one special thing to point at; just indifferent parents with no feelings, not understanding needs and what they are. And who never realize that a simple word or gesture early in a child’s life can change his direction and begin to give his life meaning.

Our cinema rarely shows this simple side of life, of a loving family.  Too often it is guns and shoot-em-ups; showing the tough guy who is all about denying his need and eschewing gentleness.   It seems like a loving family is uninteresting; yet it is the essential of what we all need and want.  And once we are in touch we need a loving family is of great interest.

So how do we find need in our therapy?  By having the patient talk about his life and directing him to scenes where there should have been fulfillment of need.  Encouraging begging for loving, for holding for listening, for patience.  Then the pain flows even while the anxious patient swears she grew up loved.  I have had atheists pray to God not because of belief but to beg someone for love since the parents often could not do it.   And the crying is the same even among the non-believers.  Need is need and never changes, and unfulfilled need always brings pain. We help with the context then the feeling is up to the patient.  Patients are never pushed into pain, ever.  We accompany them on this incredible trip.