Maybe Not Monday: The "I am not a bed hopper, but bed is all I'm going to talk about" Edition

Image: BustedTeesMy self-summaryI am not a bed hopper. I am only looking for safe, clean, mutual, and discreet. You must be a good kisser, or willing to learn. Our kisses are soft, deep, long, slow, and lingering. I know it's you by the touch of your lips. In public, I am a distinguished, relaxed, and conversational gentleman, but when behind closed doors, the heat turns up with long foreplay, passionate touches and kisses, and we swoon to surrender our desires. 
"...and we swoon to surrender our desires." Grooooossss.
There is no finer feeling than two loving adults who have chemistry, respect each other, and soak in the warm, comfy, trusting, and deep tandra pleasure of each other's ravenousness needs, followed by appetizing pillow talk, then crave to do it again. In it's purest form, we are a gift to each other. When we go back to our homes, we admire each other from a distance and eagerly wait for the next opportunity to grow our special bond. We are there for each other, as a breath of fresh air. Life is good.
The trick is that it is not about the amount or, the position of the act itself. It is about the quality of the feeling before, during and after. 
Bet you didn't realize that OkCupid was not just a dating site, but also a self-help and sermonizing space for you get tutorials on what it means to be intimate, did you? Well guess what! This guy has news for you.
I'm not into just having an intimate partner. There is more. I need someone that is worth the time and in return will be kept happy and share secrets. There are no expectations or promises but a fine line between reading between the lines. Simplicity is a line between elegance and class. “Seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.” I like it when a woman is comfortable with me and just lets her hair down so she can be herself and enjoy each other's bounty and sincerity. Just be authentic and laugh at my jokes. 
This part is hilarious - I want you to be authentic, but I also want you to laugh at my jokes. Please be yourself, but also be everything I want you to be.
You should desire emotional and intellectual stimulation. What excites me is a woman who has that special maturity and shows a hint of the "sweet little girl" inside of her too. 
Yuck.
And when the full chemistry and coziness is there, then she turns herself loose and enjoys the wild and yet tender moment.
Gross.
We are all aware that finding someone isn't hard, it's finding that person you can truly connect with. We seek to feel the timeless calm of a true companion. The enjoyment of a well engaged mind connected to a caring heart all wrapped up in a sensual body as a beautiful offering. It is the connection and understanding that comes from sharing that is important to us. If you are interested in sharing that with me; ask me anything, tell me anything. I have patiently waited for your sweet voice and touch. This could go somewhere, or it could go absolutely nowhere. Either way, the lady I'm looking for is worth the shot. So that is where I'm coming from. Am I asking for too much? No. Am I picky? Yes. Do I have the right to be? Yes. I'm only looking for a match in this world, nothing more. Someone real. To share the laughter with…to sit in coffee shops and forget the world with...to form memories with...to fight with and make up with...and MATTER with. I'm from the Midwest, originally, and still have faith that there are people like me out there who carry themselves with dignity, respect and don't exude “normal” single behavior in pursuit of cheap thrills. Sometimes I dress in crisp tailor-made shirts, and other times I dress modestly and let my substance do the talking. From me, you can expect a head-turning guy who is old school, out of school, kind and loyal. I do what I think is right and hope to God that it matters one day.
I just...I can't...it's just too much, you know? Too much! Also - get. OVER. Yourself.
I am a very handsome white male executive type. Athletic, educated, and well traveled. Life is too short not to do the things you find fun, edgy, and entertaining. We would first meet at a coffee shop to see if there is enough chemistry to make this a charming connection. Really? Is that what we would first do? And then could you teach me how to hold hands the right way, too? Maybe narrate our kiss to make sure I'm doing it right?

Here's the thing: If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, then I think I've already established that I'm just not the over-the-top romantic type. When it comes to talking about "passionate embraces" and the like, I kind of turn into a 12-year-old boy (as displayed by the comments above). Mostly, I feel like...pointing out how romantic and passionate you are is the same thing as announcing that you're classy: If you feel the need to prove it, then you're trying too hard. 
And this guy? This guy is definitely trying to hard.
Also, ladies...you ever watch that movie, "Sleeping With The Enemy"? Welcome to the real-life version. This whole profile is nothing but romanticized, patronizing, fantasizing bullshit, but the disturbing undercurrent is the almost fanatical need to control or dictate every feeling, every action, every response, every character trait. One could argue that he is merely seeking to paint a picture of the woman he's looking for...but if that's so, then he might want to try a different tactic.There is a time and place to wax poetically about "sensual moments"...and it's really not in your OkCupid profile. Save some of that stuff for love letters, or better yet, a book that no one will read. Doing it here does not make you come off as an ultra-sophisticated, cerebral-yet-passionate, alluring man...it makes you come off as skeezy, not to mention so ridiculously controlling that it's actually kind of disturbing. You know what women are going to be really into this profile? Fifty Shades of Grey fans, that's who. And I'm not talking the "oh, I read the book and it was fun!" fans. I'm talking the wigged out, "my dream man is Christian Grey type" fans.
I almost kind of suspect that this guy has read the book and wrote his profile for specifically that very demographic. And if he did? 
Then he is BRILLIANT. 
But also...still gross.