On Nowhere to Go

There is a piece in the magazine The Week about Patrick Stewart, the actor.  He always knew when his father was about to erupt into violence when he came home from the pub.  If he was singing Irish folk songs they and their mother were safe. But if he sang army songs, trouble was ahead.   In a bad mood his father would find fault with something and the trouble would escalate.  His mother was often lying on the floor bleeding and the police were called. They somehow managed to blame the mother for provocation and nothing happened.

    The point is what do  you do when the person who is supposed to protect you becomes the danger? The mother is too weak to help out, so where do you go? Mainly inside.  And then drugs ease the inner torment that never leaves.

    Or in the case of incest, and I have seen it dozens of times; the child is traumatized and she runs to her mother.  The mother blames the child for provoking daddy. Now where does she go?   Inside.  Her protector became her danger,  while her mother became complicit in the crime.   The child not only suffered horrible abuse but then is blamed for it.  An incredible double crime that is not soon gotten over.  And indeed in both these cases it takes a long time to even begin to approach the damage.

   The  mother in incest cases is only too happy for the child to take over her sexual duties.  And she eases her own blame by blaming the child.  It  takes months and even years to feel all that and integrate it.    We can tell how horrendous it is by how long to it takes to get over it.  Counseling and discussion won’t do it.   It is far too deep; there was no help, no one to talk to or lean on.   The child is totally on his or her own.  No relief.  And the imprint lingers and there is never any relief; yes the child can grow up and discuss it all in counseling groups that offers insight but never the kind of help needed.  The damage is to feelings and is to feelings that we must go.  It is not just intellectual damage although there is that too.  But to go back into the damaging situation and experiencing  again seems like it is asking too much; I agree but it is the only way to eliminate the damage.  It has to be felt little by little and integrated a bit at a time.

   The feeling system holds those memories in storage permanently and will never let go until they are acknowledged and experienced with all its agony. Many of us never want to go there but there is no choice if we understand how the system works.   And if we want to stop our suffering, and therefore our addiction we must return to the scene of the crime.  Can we imagine trying to solve a c rime by never visiting it; only trying to look at the evidence from a distance?  Good luck.  The crime remains pristine pure locked away in our limbic system ready to be looked at and felt when we are ready.  And for that we need help; no one can do that on his own.  No one will go there  voluntarily.   But if our therapist doesn’t believe in that damage then all hope is lost. The loser?  The person who must go on suffering.