An Interview with STAC (re-run)

It’s nearly Christmas and time to get into party mode, so here’s a bit of fun which first appeared in the 2011 Writelinkers Christmas Magazine and which went unnoticed on this blog earlier in the year.

Maur een Vincent-Northam interviews members of the Sanford 3rd Age Club.

A celebrated investigative journalist, Maureen Vincent-Northam (or MVN as she’s known in the business and by those who can never remember her name) has sought interminably to uncover the truth behind the headlines. She has been described as a cross between Dom Littlewood and Esther Rantzen but with fewer teeth and more hair. She writes regular columns for the police gossip pages of Hello! Hello! Hello! and That’s Life in Wormwood Scrubs! and has interviewed top celebrities from Hollywood (Birmingham) and Barnsley (Pennsylvania).

Having been banned from the newspaper’s office party this year for reasons known only to the editor and Frank Longstaff who writes the popular Tea Cosies and Other Useful Hand Knits column every other Wednesday – and firmly denying any association with those pictures found on the photocopier – I found myself peering through the steamed up windows of a Sanford eatery.

The owner of the Lazy Luncheonette, Joe Murray, opened the door eight inches to allow me entrance. With a cheerful ‘Get in quick, you’re letting all the bloody heat out’, I was led to a table beneath a row of booklets. These, I realised, must be the famous Joe Murray Casebooks in which Sanford’s most celebrated sleuth recorded his past triumphs.

Murray introduced his partners in crime solving, a mop-wielding Sheila Riley, who apologised graciously for the after-hours cleanup operation and Brenda Jump, who wiped down my handbag with a damp J-Cloth.

MVN: Tell us, Joe, was it reading detective fiction or the extortionate price of sliced ham at the wholesalers that fuelled your interest in crime?

JOE: You’ve been misinformed, lady. See, what you have to remember is this is a mining town. Coal was always king here, followed by steel and then my old dad’s veal and ham pie. During the early sixties, about the time of the Cuban missile crisis, there was a serious shortage of coal, and while everyone else blamed Albert Bickerdyke, the pit manager, it was me, at the age of seven, who rumbled Sid Sackson, the coal man, who was hoarding nutty slack. He banked on the price of coal going up soon after the bombs went up. And that’s what turned me into the best detective in Yorkshire.

MVN: Brenda, we know you have a bit of a thing for Joe, why do you suppose he can resist you?

BRENDA: Joe is a lovely man. He’s kind, generous, always there if you need a shoulder to cry on, and as employees, he treats me, Sheila and his nephew Lee with the greatest respect and courtesy. (Whisper) We’re due for a pay rise. (Normal tone) Joe’s done a sterling job of resisting my charms, but mark my words, one of these days, he’ll have half a bitter too much and then I’ll have him at my mercy, stripped right down to his wallet.

MVN: Sheila, as the widow of a police officer, do you see it as your duty to keep filthy degenerate, corrupt, perverted, decadent scum off the streets – or is it simply a nice little hobby?

SHEILA: If I really wanted filthy, degenerate etc., scum off the streets, I’d lock Joe and Brenda in here, wouldn’t I? I was a school secretary for years as well as the wife of a police inspector, so I’m a little more tolerant than your question might suggest. It’s politicians I want taken off the streets.

MVN: Joe, as an aficionado of the 70s, do you not consider it a crime for people to watch re-runs of Follyfoot, and to own a Stylophone?

JOE: Only if they’re under 50. See that’s what annoys me with these kids today. They don’t understand flares and platform shoes. They’re just fashion items to today’s mob. But not to us. They’re icons, symbols of a better age. Follyfoot, the Stylophone, platforms, flares and Abba. They defined an entire generation. Especially Abba.

MVN: Brenda, what personal items aid you most when solving a crime?

BRENDA: low cut blouses, short skirts, high heels and seamed stockings. There’s nothing like a hint of promise to distract a man into confessing.

MVN: Sheila, have you ever mixed up the bookings on a STAC outing and if so what were the consequences?

SHEILA: Only once. I was supposed to book a day trip to Stafford, but the girl on the desk misheard me and booked us for a day out in Trafford. Trafford Park, to be precise, which as everyone knows was the largest industrial estate in Europe at one time. It didn’t go down well. Few people were impressed with the tour of the Kellog’s factory and the prices in the Trafford Centre were outrageous. Even Brenda refused to take her credit card out and Joe almost had a heart attack when they gave him the bill for three cups of coffee. I distinctly remember him asking, “Did you fly Club Class to Columbia for the beans?”

MVN: Joe, your rapier-sharp crime-busting abilities have helped put away many a villain, do you worry there might be a price on your head?

JOE: Trust me, it’s never going to happen. As long as the draymen want their breakfast, I’m safe. No self-respecting hitman would ever tackle those guys when they’re hungry. I keep telling the girls, when you’re serving, get your hands out of the way quick, because if you don’t, you’ll find they’ve sliced off one of your fingers, covered it in ketchup and they’re washing it down with tea. The Mafia have nothing on the Sanford Breweries crew.

MVN: Brenda, tell our readers the secret of packing 58 outfits into one suitcase when you go on a Sanford jaunt?

 

BRENDA: Ergonomics coupled to sheer bloody-mindedness. I say to myself, if Joe Murray can get all that money into one tiny wallet, I can get my entire wardrobe into a single valise. It all has to be properly folded and you cannot leave a millimetre of space between pieces… as I explained to that young bit of beefcake who works on the lottery stand in Sanford Mall.

MVN: Sheila, you’re often seen as STAC’s ‘sensible’ member. Do you ever wish you could let your hair down like Brenda?

SHEILA: as the widow of a police inspector, and former secretary to the headmaster of Sanford’s largest school, I feel it’s important to maintain an air of dignity at all times. But I can let go, you know. I recall an outing to Whitby where I had fish and chips, served in newspaper and ate them with my fingers.

MVN: Joe, is there any chance you will ever enjoy a STAC outing?

JOE: I enjoy them all. Especially those where there’s a murder, which usually means them all. I do know it’s getting more difficult to find hotels and theme parks and so on that will take us. Apparently, once they see our name on the booking form, the insurance companies double their rates for the venue. Can’t see why. I mean, it’s not as if we’re young kids, out to wreck the place is it? And is it our fault that when we show up, the body count rises?

MVN: Brenda, how do you keep STAC members happy when things go belly-up?

BRENDA: some are more difficult to please than others. George Robson, for instance, is easy. I sort of slink up to him and say, “Think of Stingray, George. Anything could happen in the next half hour.” Mavis Barker isn’t difficult. She’s a balloon to start with. Sylvia and Les Tanner can be real pains, and so can Alec and Julia Staines, but I have ways of dealing with them. I just say, “Shut it or the next time you come in The Lazy Luncheonette, you get a knuckle sandwich with your tea.”

MVN: Sheila, you have a mind like an encyclopaedia, do you ever worry that you might make the others look thick?

SHEILA: It’s not something I worry about, mainly because they are thick. Someone has to keep Joe’s feet on the ground when he’s theorising, and someone has to prevent Brenda from compromising every male witness in town…and every male non-witness, come to think. Joe has a sharp mind, but there are times when he’s thick as a plank. Brenda comes up with some timely suggestions, too, but they’re mostly horizontal. I see myself as one who reins in their more dubious flights of fancy.

And a final message for our readers from Joe…

If you want the best steak and kidney pudding in Yorkshire get yourself down to the Lazy Luncheonette, Doncaster Road, Sanford. Open from 6:30 every day except … Well what did you expect me to say? Murderers watch out, the Sanford Third Age Club is about?

***

Joe, Sheila, Brenda, and the rest of the STAC would like to wish all our readers and followers  a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.