INTRODUCING: merkelFACTS

Like everyone with an appreciation of splendour and level-headedness, I am a huge fan of Germany’s robot chancellor, Angela Merkel. Though we are aware of her most wise and benevolent actions via her own personal news media, the person herself remains something of a beautiful enigma.

Well not any more! To coincide with 2012’s End of the World, I am launching merkelFACTS, a new twitter feed with everything you ever needed to know about Europe’s no-nonsense empress. In celebration of this launch, here are 15 “Merkel-verified” Facts.

 

1. Chancellor Merkel ate an entire hog roast on her 16th birthday.

2. Chancellor Merkel has killed over fifteen communists.

3. Chancellor Merkel is a fan of the group “Christianity” and its aggressive leader, “Jesus Cross.”

4. Chancellor Merkel enjoys swapping clothes with Great Britain’s The Queen.

5. Vampires are afraid of Chancellor Merkel.

6. Chancellor Merkel cannot swim, because she does not need to.

7. Chancellor Merkel’s favourite beverage is lukewarm tap water.

8. Without Chancellor Merkel, Germany would be invaded by Poland.

9. Berlin has over 23 streets named after Chancellor Merkel.

10. Chancellor Merkel has never seen the sea.

11. Every February 14th is ‘Chancellor Merkel Day’.

12. Chancellor Merkel is not a fan of homosexuals, and does not enjoy the sound of laughter.

13. Chancellor Merkel’s favourite colour is ‘mild turquoise’.

14. Chancellor Merkel has met every leader on Earth, cares for none.

15. Subway have created ‘The Merkel’, a sauceless, all-meat sandwich in honour of the benevolent Chancellor Merkel.

There we have it! Make sure to follow merkelFACTS and present your daily offerings to the bastion of anti-communist, pro-punishment conservativism.

Long live our merciful deity! Long live the MERKEL.

- Redfern

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