A Carnival of the Left

Once the world has
been made right forever and ever, and all capitalists,
"right-wingers," "conservatives," Objectivists,
Constitution obsessers, Jews, the ideologically unfaithful, gun-lovers,
Bible-huggers, libertarians, separationists, and First and Second Amendment
cultists – in short, all the philosophically crippled (or "differently
abled") have been vanquished and buried in ecologically-friendly mass
graves in a potter's field, the inheritors of the earth will be able to
celebrate their triumph at the Greatest Carnival There Ever Was or Ever Will
Be.*






After the
Transportation Security Agency (affiliated now with the Benevolent Brotherhood
of Government Employees) has patted you down, groped you, x-rayed you, scanned your
brain, and given you a clean bill of ideological health by the resident proctologist,
and after your palm has been implanted (painlessly) with a microchip that will
track your comings and goings on the Midway (as part of a customer satisfaction
survey program), your clothes, purses, and carry-in tote bags will be returned
to you after being screened for unauthorized items. You will then be admitted
past the booby-trapped security booth to enjoy the many wonders of the New
World Carnival.



(WARNING: All
non-approved items found on the persons or in the clothing or otherwise in the
possession of Carnival-goers, such as tobacco products, chewing gum, caffeine-related
stimulants, brand-name medications, liquors of any kind, recording devices,
vitamin supplements, nail clippers, plastic water bottles, hairspray,
unapproved inflammatory literature, appetite suppressants, family photographs
of questionable taste, mints, breath-savers, and etc., will be permanently
confiscated by the TSA, and the names of their owners reported to Central
Citizen Control [the CDC] for further monitoring and evaluation. See the recently
revised Index of Prohibited Articles for a complete list of banned items.)



(ADVISORY:
Cyclists' helmets are provided at no cost to all Carnival-goers (unless you
bring your own), and MUST BE WORN on the fairgrounds AT ALL TIMES. This is for
your protection and that of your fellow citizens. Removal of a helmet for ANY
reason will result in your eviction from the Carnival and a stiff penalty, and
your name sent to the CDC. Muslims are exempted from this rule.)



What will first
seduce your senses are the aromas emanating from the many food concession stands
that line the Midway. At each one you will be able to choose from and feast on
the latest culinary innovations by a host of government licensed nutritionists
and chefs: scrumptious granola bars, chocolate-flavored weight-fighting wafers
and griddle cakes, meatless burgers of all kinds (pork and bacon have been
prohibited to accommodate our Muslim brethren), halal chicken kabobs, salad soufflés, soy-based cotton candy, diet
juice drinks galore (sorry, no super-sized portions available per the Bloomberg
regulation), raw popcorn, salt- and butter-free corn on the cob, imitation beef
jerky – and many hard-to-resist selections of the heartiest food ever contrived
for a healthy and wise citizenry. And all sugar- and transfat-free, too!



Bang! Ping! Bang! Ping!
What's that familiar sound, you ask? Why, that's the Enemies Eliminated
Shooting Gallery where you can take a BB clip's worth of chances to pot the enemies
you love to hate, or a whole row of them! Try your trigger finger at hitting
all twenty ducks-in-a-row: Aristotle, John Locke, Lord Acton, Thomas Jefferson,
Patrick Henry, James Madison, Calvin Coolidge, Ayn Rand, Margaret Thatcher, Ann
Coulter, Melanie Phillips, Robert Heinlein, Robert Spencer, Pamela Geller, Winston
Churchill, and so many more haters of mankind. It's hard to believe that
mankind existed for so long when these creatures were at large!



Win a prize! Hit five
out of ten, and win a talking Obama Doll with his own easy-to-assemble teleprompter
kit and pre-recorded examples of his most famous lines! Hit all twenty and win
a half-life-sized Nancy Pelosi Doll (fully dressed, thank God!) and Gavel. Feeling ambitious? Hit all
twenty a second time, and win a companion Harry Reid Doll (fully dressed, thank God!) to go with your Nancy
Pelosi Doll! Think of how impressive they'll look sitting together atop your
fireless fireplace mantle! You'll be the envy of your commune! The Grand Prize
comes with an "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt button.



Looking for thrills
and chills? Try the Tunnel of Horrors, guaranteed to give you a spine-melting,
goose-bumpy, gender-optional shrieking experience! Cringe when Adam Smith's
Invisible Hand reaches down to clutch your head! Shiver when Charlton Heston's
Cold, Dead Hand takes aim at you with his rifle! Grit your teeth as you watch Winston
Churchill shoot poor, helpless jihadists
with his Mauser pistol! Curse when you see the cold, dead expression on James Bond's
face when he shoots an unarmed man (digitally altered), saying, "You've
had your six." Sigh with satisfaction when you see the Muslim-approved
dubbing of "You're the one that I want" number from the banned movie,
Grease, in which a digitally-altered
Olivia Newton-John clad in a burqa invites John Travolta to beat her for
exposing an ankle to a stranger (lyrics altered to be Sharia-compliant, sung
alternately by a Sunni and Shiite muezzin, for balance's sake).



 Have a yen to try your luck? Enter the Bingo
Emporium and pick a number! Various kinds of Bingo games available, all with different
rules! No limit on the number of cards one can buy. Unleaded pencils and environmentally-friendly
markers provided free! Win a month's worth of food stamps, or a week's worth of
unadulterated ethanol gasoline (you must provide a driver's license first, to
prevent unauthorized "black market" resale to unregistered drivers –
if you win!), a full set of environmentally-friendly, biodegradable Styrofoam dishware
(not for use in dishwashers, if you still have one!), or a two-month supply of
recycled commode flushing water (not potable, so don't dream of drinking it!). Many
more prizes available.



The Super-Duper Grand
Prize is a perpetual, nontransferable exemption from all Federal, Caliphate, and
United Nations taxes in a signed irrevocable exchange for your right to vote, which
vote may be used at any government authority's discretion. Winner must have
bought fifteen Bingo cards and have won simultaneously on all fifteen to
qualify. All prizes come with a free "I didn't win this" blue ribbon
or shirt button.



Still hungry for
more chills? Enter Dante's Infernal Freak Show and Wax Museum. Who was Dante
Alighieri? The realistically garbed reenactor will explain it to you before
guiding you through a somber gallery of freaks, sociopaths, and malcontents
from the past (but don’t expect to find any mention of him in your history books!). Hold your significant other's hand
tight for reassurance as you confront life-like recreations of Richard Cobden, Thomas
Jefferson, Ayn Rand, Ronald Reagan, Marva Collins, Clarence Thomas, Friedrich
Hayek, Rita Hayworth, Carole Lombard, Greta Garbo, Sean Connery, Clark Gable, Allen
West, Frédéric Bastiat, Golda Meier, and
so many more haters of mankind. Retch in disgust as "Dante" relates
the sordid details of their lives, following a script approved by the heirs of
Oliver Stone, Herbert Marcuse, and Howard Zinn.



Rides there are aplenty at the Carnival! Take circular
reasoning to new heights in the breath-taking Ferris Wheel! Ride your favorite
enemies on a solar-powered carousel! Exorcize your inner demons in pedal-power
bumper cars! Master the dizzying mental gymnastics of rationalism on the
Whirling Teacups and Tilt-a-Wheels! Be pressed to the wall and experience dialectical
materialism on the Gravity Grinder! Scream your head off on Mohammad's Ride
roller coaster, each car fashioned like a white steed!



Feel like exercising your arm? Try our
"Dunkin' Dhimmis" and throw a Whiffle Ball to see an impersonator of your
favorite enemy fall into boiling hot water. For our Muslim Carnival-goers, there
is a special booth featuring a burqa-clad dummy and real rocks. Duel with a
plastic broad sword or scimitar against your Crusader or Muslim enemy! An extraordinary
range of prizes available to winners. All
prizes come with a free "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt
button.



Growing in popularity at the Carnival is our
special globally televised Wheel of Correctness Game Show, in which attendees
can flaunt their education by guessing the right answers to loaded questions! How
many Jews were left in Palestine after statehood and the Grand Liberation? (Hint:
Fewer than ten.) What are the annual alternate world capitals? (Hint: one is in
Europe, and begins with a "B," and one is in the Mideast, and begins
with a "Q.") Which American was most responsible for nullifying his
outdated, sexist, and anachronistic Constitution? (Hint: there were several.) Where
was the Statue of Liberty located? Where is it now? (We can't offer hints without
giving away the answer!) What is the source of all our wealth and labor-saving
technology? (Hint: Pick a paragraph, any paragraph, from Das Kapital or The General
Theory of Employment, Interest and Money!)



Buy an audience ticket to the show, and enter a
drawing to become a contestant. All prizes won in the contest are of a higher marketable
value than are other Carnival prizes, and will be tax-assessed at 95% of their
posted retail value. All
prizes come with a free "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt
button. Good luck!



So, enjoy the
Carnival before you return to your six-day work week and diet of rice, gruel,
and old shoes. See you next year!



*Carnival (n.) : from
the 1540s, a "time of merrymaking before Lent," from
Fr. Carnaval; from It. carnevale "Shrove Tuesday," from
older It. forms like Milanese *carnelevale, O. Pisan carnelevare
"to remove meat," lit. "raising flesh," from L. caro
"flesh" (see carnage) + levare
"lighten, raise;" folk etymology is from the M.L. carne vale
" 'flesh, farewell.' " Meaning "a circus or fair" is
attested by 1931 in North America.