Unreasonably Angry for No Reason

 

You ever do that thing where you get so mad that you squeeze your computer mouse in your hands until you’re pretty sure you could crush it with a flick of your wrist with no effort at all? I just did that. I did that because I’m insanely furious right now and I have no idea why. Seriously, this is the kind of mood that politicians get in right before they beat a hooker to death and pay someone to cover it up. But I’m really not sure why I’m so angry, so I’m going to go ahead and use my audience as my psychoanalysts’.

1. I broke a nail earlier today and now I have one awkwardly short nail and nine awkwardly long nails. Then I got annoyed with my long nails and started chewing them. Now, my hands look like the hands of a 90 year old homeless dude and I’m too lazy to get a nail file.

2. Political updates on Facebook are driving me crazy. I told you all nothing would change and I would like to proudly point out that voter turn out was unexpectedly low this election. I’m going to take the credit. Now that’s its over, let’s stop taking about it. I totally feel for that three year old who was crying over how tired she was about hearing about “Bronco Obama”. Me too sweetheart, me too.

3. My computer is a piece of shit that can’t even download a YouTube video or upload a questionnaire. Seriously, its 1997 up in here and ‘reality bites’.

4. I haven’t gotten laid in months. And my friends, all being in committed relationships, don’t understand. Last time we went out, they took me to a gay bar. Seriously guys? A fucking gay bar? Maybe if I get tricky, cut my hair and suck in my chest, I have a slight amount of chance from getting some ass from a really desperate bi-curious dude. Other than that, I’m fucked. I really can’t wait until you all break up with your boyfriends and I can start hooking up with anonymous hot dudes in bars again while you’re on the rebound. No joke. You all suck and you were so much awesomer when you were single..

5. People keep asking me “what’s wrong.” What’s wrong is I want to punch you in the throat and I don’t know why.

6. My clients are driving me crazy. “I want you to edit my articles…but I want you to keep all the same information…and I don’t want you to change my tone….or my wording…or anything.” Why the fuck did you hire me then? If you don’t know, I can’t help you. Now stop wasting my time, I have Nigerian scam artists who need me to plaster websites with spam.

7. Maybe its people saying this to me. “Oh, you’re a writer? Well, I’ve always thought about writing a book. It’s about a woman who finds the meaning of life in crocheting pictures of Jesus. I should be a writer too.” You know what? Fuck you. So you have an idea. It’s easy to have ideas. Everyone has a goddamn idea. You know what’s hard? ACTUALLY WRITING THE FUCKING BOOK! So stop giving me vague, ‘genius’ ideas that you thought of while you were taking a dump the other night and assuming that if I write the book for you, I’ll give you 90% of the profits, because you were so kind as to share your magical ideas with me. Listen, today, I ate a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out an idea better than yours. Ideas are easy. It’s the writing that’s hard. The day you spend twelve hours people watching so you can accurately describe the unconscious moments that people don’t even think about, then putting them in writing so your dialog looks natural, then maybe I’ll agree that you’re a writer. Until then, stop giving me ideas. I have enough of my own and they keep me up at night.

8. It might be the booze.

9. 30 Rock is ending this season and I just can’t deal. Sure, there are still new episodes, but every time I watch one now, I have the famous ‘George Carlin Candy Bar’ mindset. For those who don’t understand, its how when you’re eating a candy bar, you’re fully aware that every bite you take is closer to it being gone. Because of that, you’re unable to actually enjoy the candy bar. Instead, your too busy thinking about how much it’s going to suck when the candy bar is gone. That’s how I feel about 30 Rock.

10. It’s all Obama’s fault…that I haven’t been laid in months.

Anyway, I’m not sure why I’m so mad. Maybe I thought my life would be better than this at 32. Maybe I’m a lonely grumpy drunk. Maybe I’m just pissed off at my computer. Maybe I’m watching time pass by and I know, in the blink of an eye I’m going to be 50 and I pray to God that I won’t be the same person I am now. I’m hoping I’ll have a life bigger than a 3 bedroom apartment in a quazi-nice part of town. I know that my wish sounds selfish to a lot of people, that they could only hope to have it as good as I do right now and I have to tell you…that scares me even more.

Or maybe, I just really need to get laid.