The One All About Thanksgiving or, My People Call it Maize

Savannah Book I, II, III and DOC Valentines für Herr Ichabod

The One All About Thanksgiving or, My People Call it Maize

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I am not ready for Christmas. Ergo, please, retailers and marketing squads, just chill and give us a few weeks of the orange-and-brown before the red-and-green arrives with its proverbial bells jingling. Now, please, do not misread me ... I adore Christmas, adore it! Not only was I raised in a home with consistently luxurious, department store-/magazine-quality decor and a year-round Christmas tree in our mountain cabin, but Christmas Day usually meant dinner at Disneyland. I also spent six years living in Colonial Williamsburg and, trust me, there is nothing much more festive than a Disney Christmas or a Colonial Christmas, except maybe a Parisian Noel. All that aside, I need some time to prepare: spiritually and sartorially.

Nothing is more glorious than an autumn day so perfect it is of filmic proportions: like the art department hand-painted every leaf the perfect shade of red, sprinkled Georgian window panes with the just the right amount of raindrops and yellow gels were placed on all the interior lighting, making a university coffeehouse more like Mormor's Nordic Kitchen, alive with the smell of espresso and nutmeg. This is generally best experienced in Annapolis, MD, Yarmouth, ME or Williamsburg, VA.

I need time to enjoy all of this, usually in my tweeds and camel overcoats , before the winter-white cashmere sweaters and red Mary Janes come out of hiding. I need time to order pumpkin harvest bisque and a Guinness in a pub before truffles and pancake ice-topped martinis become apres-Christmas shopping de rigueur; before dear Mormor puts out her Santa-head sugar cookies; and, before Starbucks forces its red-cup cheer on me ... the day after Hallowe'en! J'accuse, Starbucks ... you, of all folks, should appreciate autumn for its leisurely solace.

Now, I cherish, nearly red-cup brigade. Design a Thanksgiving cup, Sbux, if you please: tobacco background with mustard-yellow and brick-red swirls steaming up the cup and all topped off with a turkey silhouette. Ahh, yesss, I can see it now. Well done, me!

In fact, it is somewhat odd, this Thanksgiving penchant of mine, considering the fact that I am a vegetarian (since about the age of fifteen) and a Native American: 1/8 Choctaw ... so, I can make all the "Feather, not dot" & "Casino, not convenience store" jokes I want ... except, I apologize to the other Indians I may have just smeared. Then again, I'll bet there was a joke around some dinner table during Diwali that would have offended me, had I known of it. Let's all have a sense of humour, shall we?

Jen as a pilgrim for fifth grade

Similar to Bobby Hill in one of my fave Thanksgiving episodes of King of the Hill, I have had the odd year hither and thither when I decided to protest the massacre of my people and the turkeys. These mild, public assertions were usually manifested in either wardrobe (maybe a Ralph Lauren dress, turquoise jewelry and fringed boots.) to simply pouting and preaching (The year I went veggie), to making my own authentic succotash (Disaster: I do not cook and the whole family told me how very, very awful it was.) Of course, as the turkey goes, there is nothing mild about that in my dedication. I do not eat meat and have not partaken in a Thanksgiving turkey or ham since my early teens. To that end, I also will not break a wishbone; the concept makes me shudder.

In the end, I have happily come to realize that other people's habits are not my concern (Well, except the massacre and methodical extermination and culling of my people.) and it is awfully pompous of me to declare anything at a family holiday, however glossy my hair may be that day. I eat my Tofurkey (Thanks, Mom!!) as others eat their trusting bird and large, pink, farm animal with the suspected I.Q. of a human six year-old and we all share copious amounts of wine, candied yams, coffee and laughs. This is as far as I will go with the sappy, obligatory "I am thankful for ... " liturgy. I am most thankful for the fact that I neither need nor care to share my deepest and most emotional Thanksgiving musings. My beloveds and I already know the score and it need not be spake thusly.

Oh, wait a minute, I am thankful for one thing I feel I must share with the World. I am Thankful for television! Well, television and film: visual media in general. To wit, as I hope I helped a few lost souls find their way through the Hallowe'en television mist, I humbly offer a Tofurkey platter piled high with moist and steamy media goodness. Happy Tofurkey Day, Everyone!!

Best Thanksgiving TV Episodes!

King of the Hill "Spin the Choice"

South Park "A History Channel Thanksgiving"

Northern Exposure "Thanksgiving"

Little House on the Prairie "The Little House Years: Part I"

American Dad "There Will Be Bad Blood"

Outsourced "Temporary Monsanity"

Cheers "Thanksgiving Orphans"

Rugrats "The Turkey Who Came to Dinner"

Scrubs "My Day Off"

Seinfeld "The Mom and Pop Store"

The Bob Newhart Show "Over the River and Through the Woods"