An Intervention Interrogation
I really enjoy the show ‘Intervention.’ I know it sounds kind of like a downer for someone like me, but honestly, there is nothing I like better than sitting down on the couch, pulling up an episode, cracking open a six pack and getting shitfaced before 4 pm. Somewhere during every episode, I will point a slightly swollen, wobbly finger at the TV and drunkenly declare;
“Well, I might be an alcoholic but at least I never gave anyone a hand job in a bus station for meth.”
It’s a pretty good feeling. A real self esteem boost, to be honest. I mean, I might be a fuck up, but at least I’m not that much of a fuck up. Good times.
However, after oh, around 10 hours of watching and about 400 beers, I realized I had some questions about the program that weren’t being answered, and I decided to come to my blog for help.
Has there ever been a reverse intervention? So, most people know at least one guy (sometimes a girl) who is a chronic, but functioning alcoholic. Mine was this guy I knew at my old office. He was charming, handsome and absolutely fucking hilarious. Life of the party kind of guy. Then, he quit drinking and turned into a sullen, grumpy, angry douche bag. You think that ever happened, and then the guys friendws got together and were like “listen, guy, we’re all super proud of you for quitting drinking, but your kind of an asshole now. We were all wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking up the habit again?” I mean, there are millions of people in this country popping pills every day for every condition under the sun. Who says shot gunning beers can’t be medicinal?
Do the addicts still fall for that “oh, this is just a documentary’ line? You know what I mean if you watch the show. Right as it starts, some fine print comes up, telling the viewer that the addict has only agreed to be in a documentary about addiction and doesn’t know they will soon face an intervention…follow by ominous music. I know they might be a little drug addled, but the show is huge. People know about it. I mean really, someone calls them from A & E and says, “oh, we’re just doing a documentary about addiction. It’s not that Intervention show though. It’s something different,” and the addict is just ok with that? Really?
Does the chronic masturbation episode really exist, or was that just an urban legend? I have heard through the grapevine that there was an episode filmed for a man who was addicted to masturbation, but that the network refused to air it because of the graphic content. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I really hope it is. But I doubt it. I mean who would admit to it? Can you picture this scene?
The bathroom door has been closed for over forty five minutes, and Tony’s 58 year old mother knows that her son is in there spanking it for the 50th time that day.
Mom: (rapping on the door) “What are you doing in there Tony?”
Tony: (rustling, grunting, the sounds of lotion being dispensed) Nothing mom, go away.
Mom: You’re masturbating again, aren’t you?
Tony: No, mom, I swear. I’m uh…doing meth.
Mom: (clearly skeptical) Oh, and is the meth the reason all the pages in the swim suit section of my Sears catalog are stuck together.
Tony: I have a problem.
Am I a bad person because this makes me laugh my ass off every time I see it?
Finally, is it just me or does rehab look AWESOME? The addict always seems to get to go to some swanky, beachside, Lindsey Lohan resort as they recover. Who foots the bill for that? Does A & E? If so, where the hell do I sign up? No wonder these people are addicted to drugs. Their reward for years of using is a 3 month vacation in a 5 star hotel. I’d really like to see an episode where the interventionist sends them to some kind of “Trainspotting” rehab, where the addict is locked in a shitty Edinburgh apartment and forced to go cold turkey, as a Demonic baby chases them around the room with it’s head on backwards.
God, I am fucked up.
Anyway, that all I got for tonight. I have an executive from A & E on the phone, wanting to talk to me about doing a documentary about addiction. It’s not Intervention though. He says it’s a different show entirely.
