Healthy Distance

Jack has had a very busy day.

As he is getting older, (a few months until thirteen) his days become busier... and... well... to be honest mine just become quieter.

My stomach sinks as I write this, perhaps because I'm watching Sleepless in Seattle, a film about being alone whilst I too am alone. I swear to God, I am trying to have a life full of the whip, bang, zip but it's a Saturday night and well, here I am, writing at my laptop. So much for whip, bang, zip.

I can't just drop everything and go out. I can't make plans to go out just because I want to drink, there are other things to do like collect Jack from school, feed him, drop him off at a friend's and then collect him at nine (he used to be in bed at 6.30pm, once). Life's changing, and I'm still trying to figure out how to change with it.

Jack is involved in theatre at school; he loves it. He reminds me so much of how I used to be; always spinning in a globe of excitement because there were so many things to do. So much to see. And maybe when he was younger I could be everywhere and anywhere at once - because I was younger and less whacked - but also because it was so simple. He'd scurry off to my mother's with his little Spiderman case and I'd be... I don't know... in a bar. In another city. Working. Playing. Being busy. Having fun... meeting boys and doing stuff. Earning money. Making a living. Holding out for a dream. Being me.

I was so, alive. Yet, for the past few years, I've been existing.

And Jack, back then, well perhaps he was asleep, or perhaps he was thinking; "Why is she having all the fun?"

Now I know what it's like to be waiting in for him to come home; as he waits for me to finish whatever I'm doing and have time for him.

I think what's needed is some healthy distance.

He's OK. He can do healthy distance.

Me, I'm all, agh. Help.