Can I Get Some Answers Please?

This post will be very unpopular with a lot of my followers, readers and watchers.  Why?  Because my “faith” isn’t as it should be.  I have spent my life praying, yet none: NONE, of my prayers have come to fruition.  Can someone please tell me why?  Hold on one second: My prayers haven’t been for success, money or MORE faith:  They’ve been for relief.; relief from anxiety, panic and BPD.  Many of you will say “Well Shaun, your prayers have been answered because your afflictions have helped you write your books.  BULLSHIT!  My books come from emotional turmoil caused by a world full of evil.  My afflictions come from me not being able to protect my “inner child.”  Well, for one, I’ve had it.  If you walk around feeling good, healthy and happy, it must be because your faith is better than mine?  What kind of God would work in that manner?

If I live a good life, I’ll be granted entrance into Heaven and eternal joy, peace, etc.  I have to ask:  The God I worship has given me free choice, yet if I make the wrong choices, I burn in Hell for eternity.  What kind of God would do that?  We’re said to be loved and saved by the blood of the cross, yet if you screw up, it’s damnation for you;  A furnace.  What did I miss?  Did something slip by me that I didn’t See?  What differentiates between a good and bad life?

Is it a trick?  Is it a joke?  I have spent my life in turmoil.  A lot of people talk about Heaven being the ultimate end result of the grind.  Is it because they know?  Is it because they’re sure?  That’s not what I think.  I don’t think people are sure and act like they are.  Do we all live with anxiety, panic, OCD, depression and other horrible afflictions?  Do we all have issues that suck, only a little different from the next person?  That’s what I think.  This life is cruel. Period.  “You could be in a wheelchair.  It could be worse.”  Well, I’m not living in a wheelchair, yet.  Is a wheelchair or cancer worse?  Please tell me.

All the people who hate me:  Do you know who your hating?  Do you have any understanding of the human being you despise?  I don’t think so.  You cast a “Scarlet letter” on me and act like you’re doing humanity a favor.  You know what?  You don’t have the first idea what you’re doing or who you’re doing it to (Not just me).  You think you have it all figured out and you’ll “conform” to what you’ve been taught as “ideal”.   What is ideal?  Please…answer my question.

I watch what steps I take, I watch who I talk to, I even watch what the Hell I’m saying…No more.  We have prosecutors, vigilantes, sheriffs, police, schools, churches and society telling us what we should think, do and see.  Guess what?  I’m tired of it.  If I say one thing, I support a certain group.  If I say another, then I support another group.  Hogwash.  I support me and I support my writing and I support the people who mean everything to me.  No more conformation.  Am I “compliant”?  Well I better be, huh?

I’ve gotten close to some people in the advocacy of reform.  Do they ever call or write to ask how I’m doing?  NO.  Why?  Because they have their own issues and complexities.  I understand and I don’t get angry with them because they know no better…Just like me.  I could’ve called them or dropped them a line, but I chose not to.  Why?  Because I only care about me and the ones close to me.  Am I a conformist?  Am I a selfish human being?  Please enlighten me.

If I’m off base, please let me know.  I’m sick and fucking tired of people preaching that they have the answers, but they don’t have the first clue.  I have questions.  Would anyone like to answer them?  NO.  Because they don’t know how.  Why do I grind my teeth?  Why do I lack proper sleep?  Why do I worry “what if?”  Is it the same worry you have?  Is it the same shit you go through?  Maybe I’m just another human that will die and take his thoughts to the grave.

I’ve been taught since I was one year-old to conform.  I refuse.  I won’t do it.  Oh yes, I’ll do what I’m asked by our corrupt system to stay afloat (Out of jail).  “Don’t smoke” (I smoke).  “Don’t drink” (I drink).  “Don’t be a bad guy”….We’re all bad guys…and gals.  Where does the buck stop?  With the people forcing us to behave?  It took me 45 fucking years, but I get it now.  I see how it is.  Don’t ask questions, but wait for answers.  Don’t challenge authority, but let authority challenge you.

Oh, I’ll write.  I have a lot to say.  I’ll continue to express my opinion.  I’ll also continue to have shitty dreams, wonder why my marriage isn’t working and consider how my “faith” hasn’t served me in the least.  They say God works in mysterious ways?  OK.  I accept that much….but hey God,  when are you getting around to this side of the globe?  I know you have like 6 billion others to cater to….Don’t forget me over here.  HELLO!  I am here…..Oh well….I’ll take a number!

 

 

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