Just a Little Shy

Monday was my daughter’s first day back at preschool. I hoped there wouldn’t be any separation issues, but she’s four years-old and it could’ve gone either way.

Last year, Olivia started school with a smile, but that didn’t last. Although she loved her teachers and the idea of going to school, she’d occasionally cry and be clingy, say she just wanted to stay home with me. She adjusted and seemed okay, but it was still apparent there was something she didn’t like about school.

At our first parent-teacher meeting we got to hear how well she was doing in all the different areas – except for peer relationships which her teachers assured us would come. This concerned my wife, but I figured it was no big deal, Livvie was shy just like me.

Back then Livvie would freeze whenever she was out of her comfort zone. Whether we were out in public or safe in our house, she’d often hide behind my leg or stare at her hands. She’d usually warm up but it’d take a while. And every time, she’d hear me say it was fine, she’s a little shy, just like I was.

There was another meeting and her peer relationships score was still low, but I again said it wasn’t a big deal. Then the class schedule changed and pick up was when everyone was outside playing. Everyone except Livvie. Every once in a while she’d be on the slide or monkey bars but usually she’d be sitting on the little dance stage watching all the other kids laughing, playing dress up, holding hands.

And she just sat there.

We talked about it at home, how she really didn’t have any friends, never talked to the other kids. This broke my heart, especially when I realized that I was part of the problem. By trying to protect her from feeling ashamed at her shyness, I encouraged it, justified it, made it seem natural.

I’d just read an incredible book, The Biology of Belief, by Bruce Lipton, Ph.D, which discusses how the majority of our core beliefs are developed by the time we are six years old. I wasn’t about to let Olivia spend the rest of her life believing she was shy so my wife and I sat her down and had a great talk with her. I explained how even though I was painfully shy, she didn’t have to be that way. I told her how I’ve changed over the years and how she could do the same. We talked about her concerns and suggested ways around each of them. It turns out what she really needed was a script, an opening line to initiate play. The game plan was that she would ask one person the next day if they wanted to be her friend.

The next day she came back with the biggest smile, beaming with pride, and proclaimed that she did it, she asked someone to be her friend. I gave her a high five and a hug and told her how proud I was. Then she said the kid said no, she didn’t want to be her friend.

Instead of asking which kid it was and trying to track down their father, Livvie and I talked about it and she went back the next day ready to try again. By the end of the week she was doing pretty well, getting four out of seven new friends. By the end of the month, she felt like she was friends with most of the kids, not worrying about the mean girls because who wants to be friends with them anyway.

Seeing this change in her was amazing and helped me make the commitment to all the travel that comes with Unlocking the Cage. In a matter of months, she went from sitting by herself and hiding behind me to performing in her first musical in front of a crowded theater. Although she’s still a timid and sensitive soul at times, she’s grown tremendously. On Monday, she returned from her first day back at school with another giant smile and jumped into my arms. Three new friends in one day, not to mention all the old friends from last year.

Olivia’s not going to be limited by a false belief about herself. At least not this one.