my life in words
Well, today I experienced a "wake-up call," so to speak. Any more, special days and holidays carry with them a little dark cloud that looms overhead, just out of reach for me. What used to be days I looked forward to, now are days to put on a happy face and make it through the best I can. Sometimes I do it by not really making too big a deal of the day.
So, back to my "wake-up call." Just when I think my 14 year storm of death, disease, grief, loss, sorrow, and Caregiving has slipped into a different place in my heart, something happens to let me know it will always be right where it was placed.
This morning I sat down in church, and a very dear friend who had her mother visiting with her this week-end sat down beside me. I knew my friend had shared with me that her mother was having some "dementia" issues that seemed to be progressing. My friend went up to the front to sing and I was left there with her mother. As the songs were sang I looked over at her and couldn't help but notice an all too familar lost, hollow, blank look in her eyes and I was instantly drawn to her. She had the same look I saw in my mother's eyes. This precious woman reminded me so much of my mom. Her hair cut, her sweet spirit, her gentleness, her eyes, and her love. I was already having a rough day because today was my birthday. One of those "special" days that can be difficult at best. As I looked at her I noticed a tear gently rolling down her cheek. My heart just screamed with pain. Without really knowing what was going on in her mind or heart, I slid over right beside her and put my arm around her and cried right along with her. I held her tight and I told her it was ok for her to cry. She reached over and took my hand and squeezed it. We sat there and cried together, maybe for different reasons, maybe not. I asked her if she was alright and she told me her son had gone to Heaven. I told her it was ok because we were all going to be going before too long and she would get to spend eternity with her whole family. She was grieving and so was I. No amount of dementia can erase your heart. God brought us together today to have each other just when we needed someone. For a moment I had a "mom" to hold again. That moment for me was filled with excruciating pain and overflowing joy. We didn't really have to talk, we both just seemed to know. One thing is for sure, Grief is a universal language. One we all must learn how to speak.
So, back to my "wake-up call." Just when I think my 14 year storm of death, disease, grief, loss, sorrow, and Caregiving has slipped into a different place in my heart, something happens to let me know it will always be right where it was placed.
This morning I sat down in church, and a very dear friend who had her mother visiting with her this week-end sat down beside me. I knew my friend had shared with me that her mother was having some "dementia" issues that seemed to be progressing. My friend went up to the front to sing and I was left there with her mother. As the songs were sang I looked over at her and couldn't help but notice an all too familar lost, hollow, blank look in her eyes and I was instantly drawn to her. She had the same look I saw in my mother's eyes. This precious woman reminded me so much of my mom. Her hair cut, her sweet spirit, her gentleness, her eyes, and her love. I was already having a rough day because today was my birthday. One of those "special" days that can be difficult at best. As I looked at her I noticed a tear gently rolling down her cheek. My heart just screamed with pain. Without really knowing what was going on in her mind or heart, I slid over right beside her and put my arm around her and cried right along with her. I held her tight and I told her it was ok for her to cry. She reached over and took my hand and squeezed it. We sat there and cried together, maybe for different reasons, maybe not. I asked her if she was alright and she told me her son had gone to Heaven. I told her it was ok because we were all going to be going before too long and she would get to spend eternity with her whole family. She was grieving and so was I. No amount of dementia can erase your heart. God brought us together today to have each other just when we needed someone. For a moment I had a "mom" to hold again. That moment for me was filled with excruciating pain and overflowing joy. We didn't really have to talk, we both just seemed to know. One thing is for sure, Grief is a universal language. One we all must learn how to speak.
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