Forgive, Don't Forget

Say what?! Yes, you read it correctly. We all know that the common phrase is "forgive and forget," but that's not exactly healthy. It doesn't take much imagination to come up with circumstances in life where forgiving and forgetting a wrong done to you results in that wrong being done again and again, if not worse. So we need to use a little common sense. And that common sense needs to take into account not only being the one who causes injury, but the one who receives it as well. We can all take some guidance from this fable by Aesop, "The Man and the Serpent."

A countryman's son by accident trod upon a serpent's tail, which turned and bit him so that he died. The father in a rage got his ax, and pursuing the serpent, cut off part of its tail. So the serpent in revenge began stinging several of the farmer's cattle and caused him severe loss. Well, the farmer thought it best to make it up with the serpent, and brought food and honey to the mouth of its lair, and said to it, "Let's forget and forgive. Perhaps you were right to punish my son, and take vengeance on my cattle, but surely I was right in trying to revenge him. Now that we are both satisfied, why should not we be friends again?"

"No, no," said the serpent. "Take away your gifts. You can never forget the death of your son, nor I the loss of my tail."

The moral of the fable as given by Aesop is that "injuries may be forgiven but never forgotten." I would add that when forgiveness is asked, it SHOULD be given, but the injury (offense or wrong)should never be forgotten. We shouldn't bear grudges when people are sincere in asking for forgiveness. But never forget. It's not only good for dealing with the person who has injured you, but makes you aware of others in the future who might injure you either by accident or on purpose.

Three other notes. First, we can cause injury (offense or harm) to someone without thinking about it, just as the countryman's son did. So we need to "walk circumspectly." Be aware of others who are nearby or who might be adversely affected. Then, make adjustments.

Second, the return on any injury you cause may be far worse than the injury inflicted. That should be expected. The person being injured doesn't know if you did it on purpose or not, and so their retaliation is likely to be out of anger. In an ideal world there would be the chance to apologize right away and avoid all unpleasantness, but such is not always possible, especially when the injury is unintentional. But when retaliation is met with retaliation, even the smallest injury can turn into something both sides will regret. Of course, if the serpent had screamed "ouch" and demanded an accounting first, none of the other actions would have happened. Still, it's a reminder to us that when people get offended or wronged, seldom do they ever confront us with the injury before taking action.

Third, and most important, it is the job of the person who caused the initial confrontation to apologize. A sincere apology at that point will generally stop end the hostilities. The sooner it's done, the better the outcome will be. It may never be what it once was, but it certainly won't be as bad as it could be. So forgive, like the serpent, but don't forget. And keep your tail out of the way of those who tromp about willy-nilly.

Have a question, problem, thought, or just a comment? Want to know what fairy tales say about some other topic? Send it to me and I'll post it here!