Caring enough to confront

Inspiration for every dad.

Confronting our children is one of the lesser enjoyable aspects of parenting. Letting them know that they have done the wrong thing or that certain behaviours or attitudes are unacceptable. I speak from personal experience when I say pick the moment wisely and choose your words carefully.

Preface the conversation with a statement like, “we need to have  a talk” or ” I need you and I to sit down after dinner, there is something we need to talk about” This gives them time to process what it may be about and demonstrates a level of composure on your behalf. Keeping cool when you are hot under the collar takes practice.

If you are really tired or they are in a foul mood it is unwise to choose tis time to do the confronting. You may say something hurtful you later regret or you may drive an unnecessary wedge between you and your child.

There are times when you will lose composure and give them a “double barrel” verbal blast. Perhaps they deserved it perhaps not. Either way this is not the preferred method of communication when dealing with children. If this happens be sure to later apologize for yelling at them. It doesn’t hurt for your children to see you occasionally lose it if their behaviour has infuriated you. But it is important to let them know that this is not the best way to handle conflict.

Be direct in your confrontation and let your communication be clear. Do not beat around the bush on an issue. Tell it straight. Try to keep a level voice and be sure to let them know that it’s their behaviour or their attitude you are wanting to discuss. Never attack the person, always the behaviour. “When you do this” or “This particular attitude you have had lately is really not acceptable.” Statements like “That behaviour does not belong in our household”, “When you do this you are really making me cross and I don’t want to have to keep on confronting you when you should know better.” are examples of how to confront with a caring attitude.

I once heard some helpful advice on confrontation that is put simply “Major on majors and minor on minors.” Weigh up the issue, consult with your spouse or a friend to help you get perspective on the situation at hand. Then with a cool head and time to think it through you will usually put forward a clearer and hopefully more effective message to your child.

Be strong on setting down and reinforcing boundaries. Children need healthy parameters for behaviour.

Dads need to be actively involved in this aspect of parenting and not to just leave it up to the mum to do the tougher stuff.

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