Lemony Snicket

Lately I’ve been living a series of unfortunate events. Some are too personal to mention, others are too trivial to complain about. Some were short lived and others are going to be with me for a lifetime.

I took some time away from social media a few months back. We all need to step away from time to time. This virtual world of social media can be overwhelming and easily replace reality when you need it to most. I checked myself into limbo rehab and I’m slowly starting to dip my toes back into the water. It’s cold as fuck so I’m taking it slow. The worst part will be genitals and nipples.

Last soccer season I tore my ACL when I tried to convince my body that my mind could break the laws of physics. That and I refused to recognize my own age. That moment you realize “I’m too old for this” is usually proceeded with “call 9-1-1”.

Windstorms in the midwest put me into a black funk for nearly a week with no power followed by spotty internet and continued problems with connection to the heroin marinated world of the web.

My boys turned 11 and 7 a week apart and both decided to cash-in the “it’s my birthday, can you go play laser tag with us” card. On the 9th of July, I spent several hours cascaded in humidity, stale air, fog machines and eighties techno music while I dominated a group of middle schoolers in a pseudo lifelike game of Call of Duty. No, I did not camp, I beat their asses fair and square. One week later, my 7 year old wanted to repeat the adventure. Seeing as the average age of competitors dropped 4 years, I took it easy on them and instead teamed up with the littlest would-be warriors and sent the older boys home to dig out their sisters’ Sunday dresses. After, Laser Tag, I was somehow talked into a celebratory jaunt through the devil’s playground known to midwesterners as “Laser Frenzy”. It’s a small room filled with smoke and lasers where the participant must travel from point A to point B hitting checkpoints in between and attempting to navigate the lasers without breaking the beam ala James Bond / classic bank heist / Mission Impossible. Great for kids. Not a good idea for a 35 year old.

One wrong step and my torn ACL gave way, displacing my Meniscus, further shredding the ACL and buckling my left leg. That was Monday afternoon.

Tuesday, because I was unable to bear any weight on my leg at all, I ended up in the office of my knee surgeon from my last ACL tear. An X-Ray and a preliminary exam confirmed that my Meniscus was displaced. It was fucked so royally that he wanted to schedule my surgery for Friday before an MRI or insurance approval because regardless of the results, I would have to be operated on.

Wednesday was my MRI to confirm the Meniscus damage and evaluate the ACL.

Thursday morning I met with the surgeon again to get the great news. What was once a tear in my ACL had become an all out warzone. The Meniscus was worse than expected as well. What was expected to be a few weeks of recovery quickly became months.

Friday, I had my ACL replaced with a cadaver tendon the same as my other knee. My meniscus was removed, resewn, trimmed and then sewn into place in my knee.

Saturday morning, because I refuse to live by the laws of physics, I attended my sons’ soccer tournament and coached both teams through their 8 games. My seven year old’s team ended the tournament in 3rd place, qualifying them for the regional tournament this weekend. Saturday and Sunday, I get to do it all over again.

During the tournament on Saturday, the power was knocked out yet again at my house. I don’t even want to talk about it.

Yesterday, more storms ravaged Ohio. My power was knocked out again.

I’m certain that when Armageddon finally hits, the people in Ohio will be the last to know because we’ll assume it’s just summer storms and the country’s shittiest power and cable service hard at work. It’s the midwest. There’s a lot of fucking trees. All the lines run through the trees. Storms are bad. Trees fall down. Lines get fucked. It’s simple cause and effect. I’m no expert but there’s probably a better way of doing it than running the lines back through the trees after each and every storm. Ahh, never mind.

Did I mention that soccer is starting back up? This season I’m only involved in two teams which is a big break from the past few seasons. Next week are our first practices. It’s going to be fun, me all gimped up and on crutches…

Tomorrow is my first surgery follow up. It’s also my first day of physical therapy. I am hoping for a removal of bandages more than anything. Like the prophet Bert Kreischer says, “sometimes you just gotta let your shit breathe.”