The Power of No: How Boundaries Create a Better Yes

Are you saying “yes” to the right things?

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“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

— Brené Brown

I’ve been saying “no” a lot lately.

Every parent of young children out there is like, “So what? I said ‘no’ fifty times before breakfast.”

I’m not talking about setting boundaries for our children, who have not yet learned to set boundaries for themselves. I’m talking about a ground-breaking next step in my own personal boundary-setting—saying no when I’d really like to say yes.

In other words, saying no to friends. And myself.

I’ve been a Boundary Evangelist for a couple of years now, and this is primarily because of how establishing boundaries has made my life so much better. It has produced guidelines, safe spaces, and order, and saved my sanity (literally).

When I read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend in 2017, I discovered that I actually had some pretty strong boundary-setting muscles already. What I lacked was the understanding of how setting those boundaries was the right and loving thing to do. As a result, I felt an extreme amount of guilt every time I set one (and I usually set it long past the point I should have).

Does this sound familiar to you?

Last week, a wonderful young entrepreneur in my community started a Facebook group to support working women, many of whom own their own businesses, and one of the questions that came up several times was how to manage overwhelm and to create work-life balance.

Ah, the mythical work-life balance. While I’m not going to pretend to have achieved this hypothetical state of perfect zen, I’ve been coming a lot closer lately, and that’s because I’ve set boundaries, even when I haven’t wanted to.

For me, that looks like setting working hours that allow me time to accomplish my work and still spend time with my family and on self-care—and then sticking to them with almost religious fervour.

Okay, I’m not that much of a stickler. And I frequently think about work when I’m on my off hours and, back when I needed to work in the evenings to get it all done, I’d feel guilty for working while my family was home, even though those hours were set aside for that activity.

But perhaps it is that balancing act that has recently made it much easier to step away from requests that would require me to give up time with my family. (Even if the other option was to do some other really good and fun thing that my brain stared at like my dogs stare at the pan of bacon fat I give them after breakfast until I give them permission to have it.)

I balanced the opportunities I was presented with against what I'd rather be saying “yes” to—an afternoon with my kids or a night out with my hubby. And I chose the latter.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard to do. But the moment I did it, I felt so much better—because if I’d said yes, I would have resented the time I was giving to that project instead of the activities I had already decided should have had priority.

When this topic came up on Facebook, I shared a response that seemed old to me, like a mantra I’ve almost fully accepted into my own psyche, but it was new to several of them, so I want to say it again here in case you need to hear it, too:

“When it comes to pursuing dreams, achieving goals, or so-called work-life balance, no is the magic word.”

When you say no to something, you are actually saying yes to something else.

You are saying yes to something you’ve already decided has value and that you want in your life.

The opposite is also true. If you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else you’ve already accepted into your life.

Make sure your "yeses" are for the things that matter most to you.

Is it easy? No.

Is it necessary?

Yes. :-)

Like the yin-yang, every no is actually a yes. This is the paradox that can revolutionize your life.

Because when it comes to pursuing dreams, achieving goals, or so-called work-life balance, no is the magic word.

This post was originally published in the Books & Inspiration Newsletter on 2019-10-22. Sign up to get inspiration in your inbox .

Music News for Fantasy Readers

If you’ve read my Rise of the Grigori epic mermaid fantasy series, you’ve seen the lyrics for the lullaby that helps uncover hidden secrets from the past ().

Well, now you can listen to it, too.

“Elyon’s Children (A Mermaid Lullaby)” is currently available as early access for members of the Books and Tea League. Check it out below.

New release: A Celtic-inspired siren melody called "Elyon's Children (A Mermaid Lullaby)" from the epic mermaid fantasy series Rise of the Grigori. Books and song by author-musician Talena Winters.