I want to die but I still want to Eat Tteokbokki

By Baek Sehee.

Actually, I didn’t like the first book very much. I don’t think I could relate to it as much, so when the second book came out, I wasn’t very excited about it. But as always, when you already have the first book, you kind of have to get the second one too — so when I saw it in the store, I bought it.

At the time, I was also reading another psychology book, Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board, and only started on this one afterwards. Maybe because I read that one first, something just clicked — and when I started reading this second book by Baek Sehee, it suddenly all made sense.

Here’s a little blurb of the book:

“Baek’s struggle with dysthymia continues in I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki. And the healing is a difficult process; the inner conflict she experiences in treatment becomes more complex, more challenging. With this second book, Baek Sehee reaches out to hold the hands of all those for whom grappling with everyday despair is part of a lifelong project, part of the journey.”

It continues, as mentioned: Further conversations with my psychiatrist and it was in the same format and layout like the previous book but this one was slightly more intense where there was one scene (spoiler) about her suicidal attempts which quite surprised me.

I thought she was doing better but it didn’t up till the point she wanted to die.

Luckily she found a way out and is doing (her best at her own pace and limit) to get better.

Some parts that stood out to me:

I don’t want to be left out but I want to break free.

I kept flitting back and forth between emptiness and gratitude.

My partner went in, then after a long while, came back out and said maybe it would be better if we left. I asked them why and they said it was because this wasn’t a place where I could rest comfortably, that it was somewhere that cut me off completely and managed every hour of my day. That there were people here in worse conditions who might stress out patients like me.

The plant looks fine, but it’s already dying, past the point of no return.

Because life goes on.

I want to die but I still want to eat tteokbokki by Baek Sehee (2024)

Overall, I really enjoyed the second book much more — maybe because I read Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board prior to this one. I had a much better understanding of the conversations between Baek Sehee and her psychiatrist. Her psychiatrist mostly agrees with her, offers minor suggestions, and helps by adjusting her medication.

At the end of the day, I just want to praise Baek Sehee for sharing her private sessions with us. It’s such a courageous thing for her to do. I hope she will no longer be plagued by these issues, and that she can graduate and fully recover.