8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)

Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting years! Full of planning, promise, and … pitfalls. Didn’t see that last one coming, did you? Googly-eyed at the altar, many young married couples don’t either.

In this article and the next one we’re going to pick up an ongoing series that equips young couples to start marriage on the strongest footing possible. We’re going to tackle the almighty expectation.

Much of the unhappiness we experience in marriage is due to unhelpful expectations. Notice that I say “unhelpful,” rather than “unrealistic.” The latter is also true, but it can sound as if we’re suggesting we lower our standards—which we aren’t. But neither do we want to create heartache by holding naïve assumptions about what we’re walking into when we walk down the aisle. There is a sweet spot in the middle where we land on and live with helpful expectations of marriage and our spouse.

Since so many expectations are unique to how we tend to think differently as men and women, we’ll look at four expectations common to women this week and four for men next time. These are by no means universal, but these are mental (and often subconscious) patterns common to each gender.

Expectation #1: Conflict resolution will be ultra-romantic

Her starry-eyed assumption: Just like in the rom-coms and romance novels, my spouse will gather me into a warm hug to bring arguments to a sweet, loving conclusion.

Reality: In conflict, he’s more likely to want (even need) to temporarily escape than to embrace. The goal is always for arguments to resolve with reconnection, but it may take time to get there. Here’s why: As women rapidly express a range of emotions and opinions (which we are more inherently wired to do) our guys’ brains rapidly hit a stage of high alert. They often need to step away and process what they’ve heard before they can take in more. Most men truly are wired to do one thing at a time (think, deal with emotions, talk) while most women are wired to do all three at once!

What to do: Understand that in an argument, our natural responses may be very different. Women often want to resolve an argument and be reconciled with our spouse (hence the warm embrace trope)—even if that means following him around the house in order to Just. Finish. The. Argument. This can wind up having the opposite effect. Your husband will nominate you for sainthood if, in the middle of a disagreement, you ask him if he needs to step away for a little while to process.

Expectation #2: It’s important to be brutally honest with my husband.

Her starry-eyed assumption: I can say anything I want, how I want, to my husband because our love is unbreakable.

Reality: Without meaning to and without thinking our speech through, any of us is capable of sounding harsh or critical. But if we begin to do this knowingly, assuming “I love him and he loves me, so it’s okay to take a little bit of license because, you know, we’re married,” we’re going to rather quickly undermine any safety and transparency our spouse may have felt in our presence.

What to do: In our research with the happiest marriages, we saw a key nuance: the happiest spouses are honest … but never brutal.

Instead, they constantly make efforts to be kind. And so must we. Proverbs 15:4 speaks to this, and I especially appreciate how this reads in The Message: “Kind words heal and help. Cutting words wound and maim.” We would never want to wound or maim our spouse!

If you suspect this is an area to work on, read through The Kindness Challenge. It will transform the way you speak to—and speak about—your spouse. (Of those who did The 30-Day Kindness Challenge for a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend, 89.3% reported improvement in their relationships!)

Expectation #3: My guy will know me so well that he reads my mind

Her starry-eyed assumption: As months turn into years, he will automatically anticipate what I need.

Reality: Often we expect things from our spouse that we haven’t actually communicated. And then since—shocker—he’s not and will never be a mind reader, we wind up frustrated or disappointed.

What to do: Our research shows that what you do in this moment of let-down really matters. Will you focus on the negative or the positive?

Take this example: Let’s say you’re a young mom with young kids … and you desperately need a break. Your husband takes over so you can go out with your friends. Because you’ve been overwhelmed, you might expect to come home to the blessing of an organized house—but you never actually put that into words. Instead, you walk in to find toys and books everywhere, and your husband just woke up after obviously cuddling your 2-year-old to sleep. You start fuming about the clean-up instead of realizing something beautiful. The kids had an amazing time with their dad! You can:

Blast him for the messMutter about having to pick the house up when you’ve already been overwhelmedAsk him to tell you about the evening, invite him to help you pick things up, and maybe even flirt a little as you go

Take a guess which one will lead to a positive outcome?

Here’s the deal: If your guy is like 99.26% of other men (yes, that is a real statistic from our surveys), he deeply cares about you, wants to make you happy and doesn’t want to cause disappointment. In other words, he works hard to not disappoint you. Just help him out next time by telling him you’re overwhelmed and would love it so much if you came home to a clean house.

Expectation #4: My husband will be just like my best girlfriend

Her starry-eyed assumption: Once we’re married and all moved-in together, he’ll be my BFF—listening to all my hopes and dreams.

Reality: While your guy really does want a built-in best friend—and in the best marriages couples treat each other like best friends!—he may not have capacity to listen to allllll your ideas and dreams daily. Our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages found that that 83% of very happy couples hang out with their spouse at least weekly. They love time together. But, this may not look like an idealized (again, blame the rom-coms) notion of what we might be anticipating—especially if we’ve just moved from an apartment full of female roommates into a house with our spouse!

What to do: Our research has found time and time again that our husbands want to be with us. They want to hear our heart. They want to know, and share, our dreams. In my research for For Women Only, we asked one open-ended survey question. We wanted to find out what men most want their wives to know but have a hard time trying to explain. Their number-one answer?

How much I love her.

So when there’s a BFF disconnect, here’s what to do: Gently remind yourself that your spouse may have less capacity to listen for hours on end. This goes back to assumption #1, and the fact that he’s likely not wired to take in an avalanche of words at once, especially after a long day. It’s not lack of interest. It’s just different wiring.

Pick the highlights and trust his love for you. This is a recipe for heart happiness, not heartache.

If you haven’t already, make sure you subscribe to our blog, as I’ll be back in the next one with four false expectations guys have—and what they can do to navigate them well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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