What’s on Your List?

FOUR 20-SOMETHINGS named Ben, Duncan, Jonnie and Dave came up with a great idea for a reality show in 2010. It involved a purple bus named Penelope, a cross-country road trip and a list of 100 things to do before you die. For every item they crossed off their list, they’d help a stranger achieve something on his or her own list. 

Some of their to-dos were ambitious, with a low probability of success: host Saturday Night Live, kiss Rachel McAdams, go to space. 

Some were funny. Tell a judge, "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth." 

Some were sweetly generous: buy dinner for a stranger, take kids on a shopping spree, pay for someone's groceries. 

The show, called The Buried Life, lasted two seasons and was one of MTV's highest-rated shows ever. The show’s four founders also put together a book, What Do You Want to Do Before You Die? Among the questions asked by The New York Times bestseller: What would you do if you only had one day left to live? Would you plant a tree? Would you rob a bank? Would you tell someone how you really feel?

This notion of a bucket list has taken hold in recent decades. Indeed, there was even a movie called The Bucket List, starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, that was released in 2007. It was full of exotic travel destinations: the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids, the Serengeti, Stonehenge, Hong Kong, Rome, the Great Wall of China. A popular series of books came out soon after, called 1,000 Places to Visit Before You Die. 

A friend of mine hates bucket lists. She thinks they're too show off-y and competitive, and that checking off bucket-list items doesn't do anything to improve long-term happiness. I totally understand where she's coming from. What if you do Burning Man, and see the Northern Lights, and jump out of an airplane, and stay at the Four Seasons Hotel in Istanbul (okay, I admit that last one is personal), and… and… and… you get to the end of your list and you're bored or sad? Or what if you're more of a homebody, and nothing about exotic travel excites you? Are you supposed to just throw in the towel?

Productivity expert Khe Hy writes in his essay "Why Bucket Lists Are BS" that, instead of a to-do list, we should all have a to-be list, with things like "be kind" and "be creative." In a separate post, "Why Your Goals Are Missing the Mark,” he suggests that effective goals are the ones that have an inner purpose. Your goal of throwing a really great dinner party, he says, may be about a desire to spread joy and laughter. Similarly, your goal of losing 10 pounds could be restated as a commitment to having more energy to play with your kids. 

Are bucket lists really so bad? I dunno. I kind of like the idea of recognizing that our time on earth is limited, and then connecting that bummer of a thought to a list of things I want to accomplish before I croak. But could we attach a deeper meaning to each item?

Example: I want to learn to play mahjong or bridge. Maybe that sounds too small or not glamorous enough for a bucket list, but it's going on mine. Next to it, I can write my "why," which is that I want to have a way to stay connected to society even when I'm old. I want to be able to meet new friends and have a regular social activity that gets me out of the house. Perhaps I could include golf in the same category, though so far I'm not really feeling that one.

You could add a "why" even to your travel wish list. Seeing the world with kids or friends is a great way to bond with them, and it’s also an authentic hands-on education. Traveling solo works, too, because as much as airplanes and shlepping are the worst, opening your eyes to new cultures and experiencing the planet's awesome beauty is amazing. And a little bragging—in moderation—about places you've seen can be a cool way to connect with like-minded adventurers. 

Maybe folks could argue that there's a fine line between an aspirational, purposeful bucket list and an overly long to-do list that ends up feeling trivial. But I think that line is pretty easy to identify, and unique to who you are. And honestly, if taking the time to write down your list reminds you to experience something like paying a stranger's grocery bill or throwing yourself a really great birthday party, is that so wrong? If nothing else, it gives you guidance as to where your extra dollars could be going.

Alina Fisch is the founder of Contessa Capital Advisors , an independent fee-only investment advisor. She’s worked in financial services for more than 25 years. Her focus today is on helping single and divorced women with their finances, a topic she also loves to write about. In her free time, Alina is an avid reader, animal lover, hiker, traveler and vegetable farmer. Her previous article was Sailing Away.

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