brilliant failure

KODAK Digital Still Camera

it’s been awhile since i’ve done a self-portrait…or, am i always doing self-portraits?
well…in honor of inktober….

so when i was twelve i was sure i was going to be a famous writer one day. one day soon. it was only a matter of time. i used to watch for and wait to be discovered. at eighteen i hung a sign on my wall i am destined for greatness…
at forty i decided i must be a late bloomer.
now i am fifty-four. still watching; still waiting.
when do i give up hope? every time i tell myself it isn’t going to happen for me & i should just give the fuck up, i secretly think it still will…i just have to wait a little longer…surely it will happen.
when do i admit that i spent my whole life waiting for a thing that is never going to happen? when do i admit i don’t have it, whatever it is? admit i just don’t have it…no matter how talented or brilliant i am it does not matter if everyone looks away from my light?
my heart aches. every time i hear a misfit singing a hit song about not fitting in. every time i read a best selling novel by a famous pariah. my heart aches. why them and not me? what exactly is wrong with me? what is fundamentally unlikeable about me?
it’s not fame i am after. it’s not money. it’s just to be heard.
to be seen.
is that so much to ask?

ps.
tired of rejection, i have published my most recent short stories here on my website…if you feel like reading some short fiction of mine.