the skull illuminating pose

A chapter I cut from the final draft of Attachment Patterns. Kind of fun.

*

That afternoon Bob went to yoga. 

He went to the one closest to his house.  It was called Bikram Yoga and Bob had noted any number of times, especially in summer, that attractive young women in tights and yoga tops wandered in and out.  At the very least, this seemed like a consolation prize if yoga struck out.

“I’d like to try yoga,” said Bob.

The girl behind the counter was shapely and had a cheerful smile.  Her top consisted of bands of stretch fabric that covered her breasts, crisscrossed her shoulders and tied at the base of her neck.   Her leggings stopped below the knee.   Bob, who was wearing a warm up suit over shorts and polo shirt, approved.

“Great!  Have you done it before?” 

“No.”

 “Oh.”  The girl looked uncertain. “ Well, we have one starting in half an hour.  But it’s an advanced class.”

“Sign me up,” said Bob.

What a horrible mistake.  The yoga studio was like being in a Finnish sauna competition and by the time Bob took off his warm-up and laid out the rented yoga mat, he was a soaking burble of sweat.  Yes, there were several attractive women in the class and yes, like the girl at the desk, they were wearing sheer outfits, but Bob hardly noticed them as he was too busy trying to breathe.  The instructor, a shirtless, ponytailed young man, greeted the class and without further ado, they started.  Standing tall and straight with their hands on their heads, everyone took deep breaths.  Bob did too.  So far so good.  Next, the class put their hands and feet together and bent at the waist to the right.  They then bent to the left.  They then bent their knees and with straight backs, stuck their arms out in front of them.  Bob followed suit.  Everyone in class now tightly crossed their legs and then crossed their arms in front of them. 

Other than the temperature of the room, yoga was easy!

Standing, the ponytailed instructor raised a leg, held it straight out in front of him and effortlessly dropped his forehead to his outstretched knee.  Everyone, with varying degrees of success, did the same thing. 

Bob fell over.   

Did Annie actually do this?

Deciding to make the most of the momentary break, Bob took off the sweat drenched polo shirt.  He watched as standing on his left leg and bending at the waist, the ponytailed instructor lifted his right leg and holding it by the ankle, pointed it in a perfect line up towards the ceiling. 

Okay. 

Standing and putting a hand on his thigh, Bob got his own leg up off the ground – barely – and stood there, fighting for balance.  

Bob fell over.

It was now obvious to him that Annie had blatantly lied about the benefits of yoga.  Why would she do such a thing?

As long as he was down, Bob decided to take another short break.  He watched, lightheaded and panting, as the class went through what the instructor referred to as The Balancing Stick Pose, The Standing Separate Leg Stretch – which looked, to Bob, like a strenuous way to have anal sex – and The Standing Separate Leg Head To Knee Pose.  Bob rose to his feet to attempt The Tree Pose, which meant standing on one leg, with the heel of the other leg waist high and the hands clasped as if in prayer.

Bob prayed for water.  

Did Annie know she was a sadist?  Bob suddenly pictured her in a leather corset brandishing a whip.  It wasn’t a completely unappealing image.

Everyone sat.  This was good as Bob, having fallen again, was already down.  The class lay down on their backs with their legs together and their arms at their sides.  Bob could do this one.  Everyone pulled a knee to their chest.  Bob found this one user friendly as well.  Everyone sat up and leaning forward with straight legs, grabbed their toes.  Bob almost reached his knees.  His lower back was as tight as a drum and he was no longer sweating.  Obviously he was deathly dehydrated.  Everyone now rolled to their stomachs, arched their backs, and raised their heads high.  “The Cobra Pose,” called the ponytailed instructor, “relieves the pain of arthritis, helps with menstrual disorders and improves digestion.”   Still on their stomachs, everyone stretched as if they were doing a swan dive. 

Cursing all things Annie, Bob rolled to his side, opting for the fetal position.  He listened but didn’t participate as the class went through The Camel Pose, The Rabbit Pose and The Knee to Knee Pose.  He mustered enough curiosity to raise his head and observe the class go into the Half Lord of the Fishes Pose.  He tried not to faint as everyone did the final Skull Illuminating Pose. 

The class ended.  Everyone stood and flushed, smiling and chatting with one another, rolled their yoga mats and gathered their things.  “How you feeling?” said the ponytailed instructor.  He had come over and was now helping Bob to his feet.  He was as smooth and dry as mannequin.

“Like I crossed the Sahara on crutches,” said Bob.

In the outer room, Bob sat for a good thirty minutes.  He drank half a dozen large glasses of water.  Putting on his warm up and forgetting his polo shirt, Bob went out to his truck and drove carefully home.  Going up to his bedroom, he lay down and pulled a blanket over himself.   

Though he had no intention of telling her, Annie had been right about yoga.  Bob no longer felt bored, stressed, guilty, tense or nervous.  Bob felt too exhausted to feel anything. 

After shivering for a while, Bob fell asleep, conveniently forgetting that before leaving the studio, he had signed up for half a dozen more classes. 

For beginners.