what i’m working on now…

i have been feeling empty for days…trying to figure out why…trying to find a bottom to my sorrow and rage….
i have the core belief that i am unlovable. it has affected most of my relationships with people and with pets. i can’t let anyone love me, and if they threaten to, i turn into a monster. this has been a struggle with motherhood as well. the couple of times i have let myself love & be loved (by anyone other than my kids) ended tragically. once a dog. once a man. now my heart is ice and no matter what i do to try to thaw it, it just freezes itself tighter shut.

i honestly believe i will be alone for the rest of this life because the only person i know how to love does not love me still.

and this unlovableness oozes over into my art & writing career somehow making me unmarketable? or maybe it’s just that i don’t know how to sell someone i don’t believe in….

and social media is a wash. social media is a lifeboat with a hole in it for a person like me.

here is the only place i haven’t felt like a complete pariah. where i even feel like i might have found some other misfit toys. so, thank you for that.