on grief & letting go

as i went for a hike today, it occurred to me that the grief of losing my brother & the grief of my marriage ending are tied up together.

yesterday was my dead brother’s birthday. fifteen years ago that day is the last time i ever talked to him. he was murdered just 19 days later.

my marriage was already falling apart when my brother tragically died on my husband’s birthday.
my marriage was over the day of my brother’s funeral.

(my husband had a nice suit he wore to any event he could. i tried to get him to pack it for the funeral, but he acted as if i were insane. then, the day of my brother’s catholic mass funeral, my husband wore khakis & a ball cap into the church. i was upset, but i did not confront him. he kept asking me what was wrong, & when i finally did tell him, he responded, “well look at what you’re wearing.” as the mother of a toddler & an infant, i was dressed in the nicest clothes that fit me; i thought i looked nice. this is when i decided to divorce him.)

yesterday, i said goodbye to my brother. i am letting go of my grief. he is going on to wherever he is going, and i am going on to live my life.

today i realized i am also letting go of my failed marriage. i had not realized how tight i was holding on to it. how woven it was into the grief i felt about losing my brother.

be still. breathe. move forward.

(the above image is a first draft of a possible cover for my upcoming novel, now titled little skeletons. i can’t decide if i like this version or not. i’m going to do some more drafts. let me know what works.)