hello darkness my old friend

transformation is a painful & intensive thing. i guess that’s why most people resist change? some caterpillars go into their cocoons & never emerge. they just wither up or get consumed by parasites or a number of other tragedies. transformation isn’t easy.
i don’t want to feel the way i feel. but as i try to fly closer to the stars, i fall even further. 

i have been playing with my internal family systems. i have identified a lot of the little voices. giving them names. noticing they are usually in pairs: the warrior/the worrier…the sensual/the censor…the feminine/ the masculine…. the most powerful pair inside of me i have named the anointed/the annihilator. the annihilator sees no purpose & seeks only darkness. the anointed is connected to everything & is full of magic. as i wrote this page, the annihilator was in control. i wonder. is she in control because i was flying too close to the stars? making too much progress? feeling too connected? did she step in because i was feeling too good? that’s the explanation that is obviously more appealing.
but what if this is not part of a transformation? a darkness before the dawn? what if i’m not getting any better? what if i really am just this fucked up forever? what if this is who i am?