Between My Usual Friday Posts
Living through loss, trauma, and other life-changing events can be terrifically challenging. Writing about them, sometimes an important part of healing, can be hard in another way.
Patty Wetterling came to one of my weeklong writing retreats with her co-author, Joy Baker, to work on a memoir about her her son Jacob, who was abducted in 1989. We met by Zoom, this being the middle of the pandemic, and I “met” Patty during our classes and our private consults. I noticed her courage and determination to write this story, and I also saw how hard it was to relive what had happened to Jacob as she did so. Her advocacy work for children is well known in her home state of Minnesota and beyond; it culminated in passage of the federal Jacob Wetterling Crimes Against Children and Sexually Violent Offender Registration Act.
In September 2016, the remains of her son Jacob were discovered and positively identified.
Tomorrow, on October 17, the Minnesota Historical Society Press will publish her memoir, co-written with Joy Baker, Dear Jacob: A Mother’s Journey of Hope. Below is my interview with Patty, where I learned more about how she created her memoir and what she went through in the process. More information about ordering her book follows the interview.
How did this book begin?
Patty: Over the years, several people suggested I should write my memoir. Some even approached me and offered to help write it, but I just didn’t trust that anyone else could possibly tell this deeply personal and painful story except me. The problem was, I had no idea how to write a book or even begin the process.
In 2013, I met Joy Baker at a charity gala in Willmar, Minnesota. That’s when I first learned about her blog. After reading it the next morning, my husband Jerry and I were both blown away by her writing and the amount of research she had done on Jacob’s case. But, I didn’t know Joy and the whole thing felt a little creepy. Who was this woman and why was she so obsessed with finding Jacob?
Jerry and I had a two-hour phone call with Joy later that same day. She and I followed up with a few more phone calls and exchanged emails for almost a year before we finally met in person. I think a sad side effect of being a victim of crime is the hesitancy to trust. It would be another two years of really getting to know Joy on a personal level before I finally felt comfortable enough to ask for her help in writing this book.
What was your purpose in writing it?
Patty: When we started, I envisioned this not only as a personal autobiography for my family and friends, but also as a legacy piece for Jacob. I wanted to share the profound impact that his kidnapping had on Minnesotans (and beyond), including how we parent our kids, new concerns over child safety, the push for a national sex offender registry, and how we look at crimes against children. There were so many people who supported us along the way, and I wanted a chance to recognize those who were such a meaningful part of our journey.
And how did that change over the time you worked on it?
Patty: When Joy and I first started writing this book, we didn’t know what the ending would be. And then, suddenly we did. When Jacob was found, everything changed. We took almost two years off because I was so lost. I had been a searching parent for almost 27 years. Now who was I? I wasn’t sure I even wanted to write my story anymore. My purpose had changed and I hated the ending. But, just like when Jacob was first kidnapped, people sent cards and letters of support, often telling me it was my strength and conviction that had helped them survive their own life challenges. I found hope in their words and, once again, it was the fuel I needed to pull myself up and keep going.
What was your biggest challenge in writing this book?
Patty: Trying to determine a workable structure was probably our biggest challenge. Joy had been teaching me the basics of “three-act structure” in storytelling, but this story was so big, it was often hard to wrap our arms around it. In July of 2020 (right in the middle of the pandemic), Joy convinced me to take a 5-day virtual writing retreat with Mary Carroll Moore to help us finish the book. We rented a VRBO in Winona and both agreed to quarantine ahead of time so we could stay together and make it feel like a “real” writing retreat. Mary’s class was both enlightening and exasperating. We thought we were looking for insight on how to end the book, when in reality we learned we needed to start over and completely rewrite the beginning of the book. This really sent us into a tailspin for a bit, but Mary was right. Her recommendations led to a much tighter and more riveting story. [A surprise gift: Ten of us from Mary’s virtual writing class have continued to meet bi-weekly to share writing, comments, suggestions, and guidance throughout each stage of the book-development process. These fellow writers contributed greatly to making my memoir stronger.]
As we worked together, I learned to trust Joy in putting order to what I was trying to tell. We hit a groove—me writing chapters and sending them to her for editing, she replying with clean up and comments.
What do you feel is your biggest success with this memoir?
Patty: Finishing it! In the beginning, Joy kept encouraging me to “just write,” and often followed up with “tell me more,” so I did. Our first draft came it at over 220,000 words, so cutting it by half to get it to a marketable size was a big task. For me, this was so very painful. Many anecdotal stories, personal reflections, and interesting life experiences just couldn’t stay because of space, so I often had to rely on Joy to determine what should stay and what should go.
What was it like to work as a team of authors?
Patty: Because Joy played such an integral part in helping us find answers at the end, she had great insight and was contributed a fair amount of ghost writing to help me tell my story, which was different from where we had started. It was confusing at first. The whole process got difficult and there were times when we had to pause and regroup. She created a detailed timeline and would hold me accountable to dates, times, and places as I wrote. I often got so frustrated I was hard to work with. I needed to accept massive corrections at times, which I didn’t always accept gracefully. I had to admit that my traumatized memory was often wrong, and I had to learn how to accept suggestions as improvements, not criticism. I am so grateful that Joy didn’t just walk away from me and my outbursts. This is such a personal and traumatic story, our deep collaboration created a closeness that few friends share. Joy is truly amazing and I am proud of the book we created together.
Patty with her soon-to-be released memoir
Can you share your feelings, hesitations, concerns about writing about your terrible loss, if you have any?
Patty: I was so scared that by sharing this personal side of our journey, it might add more trauma to our kids and grandkids. I was terrified to let them read our first draft, but I knew they needed to see it. We printed three copies of the 163,000 page manuscript (still way too long), and placed them in 3-ring binders for each of the kids. Carmen and Trevor were both supportive, and Amy read the whole thing in one weekend. Their spouses also read it and I got great feedback from them. They all encouraged me to keep going with it.
What do you hope this book will do in the world, for readers?
Patty: I was so driven throughout all the years of searching for Jacob. I talked to him, wrote to him, and believed in him. I still do. His spirit lives on and continues to encourage me. I want readers to feel that power of hope. Hope is a verb, and each of us has the capacity to do something to make things better. Big somethings and small somethings all matter.
I have never wanted to be “just a sad story.” I believe with all of my heart that children have the right to grow up safe and follow their dreams. I also know there are way more good people in the world than bad and when good people pull together, amazing things can happen. I hope readers find the book empowering, and I hope they will commit to creating a world that is safer, friendlier, more respectful, and more caring. It can happen if we all do our part.
Do you have any advice for writers working on their first memoirs, from what you learned with yours?
Patty: Follow your heart. Dig deep into your core and don’t be afraid of what anybody else thinks when you’re writing. Things can be tamed or softened later if need be, but don’t be afraid of the raw truths that you know. Have a trusted writing partner or coach who can encourage and support you along the way. Take care of yourself and, for sure, get a dog. They get you away from your desk, take you for walks, make you laugh, snuggle up to you when you’re having a tough day, and they love you even on days when you may not love yourself. My best advice for writing is the same as it is for living: be fair, be kind, be understanding, be honest, be thankful, be a good sport, be a good friend, be joyful, be generous, be gentle with others, be positive. And never ever lose hope.
Follow Patty and Joy on Substack at www.dearjacobbook.com or Facebook at www.facebook.com/hopeologist. Dear Jacob: A Mother’s Journey of Hope is available for pre-order from your favorite bookseller or online retailer, including Minnesota Historical Society bookstore, Bookshop.org, Barnes & Noble, Target, and Amazon.
Over 700 past posts are available in my archives for this newsletter—lots of great tips, interviews, publishing info, and more. The archives are accessible to paid subscribers only, so if you want to join the fun, consider upgrading your subscription! It’s only $45 a year, a bargain for what you get. And I will thank you forever for helping me continue to write this every Friday.
Shout Out!A hearty shout out to these writing friends and former students who are publishing their books! I encourage you to pre-order a copy to show your support of fellow writers and our writing community. (If you are a former student and will publish soon (pre-orders of your book are available now), or have in the past two months, email mary[at]marycarrollmoore[dot]com to be included in a future Shout Out!). I’ll share your listing for three months.
Nigar Alam, Under the Tamarind Tree (Putnam/PRH, August release)
Cindy Angell Keeling, Dream City Dreaming (Petite Parasol Press, August release)
Patty Wetterling and Joy Baker, Dear Jacob: A Mother's Journey of Hope (Minnesota Historical Society Press, October release)
Maren Cooper, Behind the Lies (She Writes Press, November release)
I’m the author of 14 books in 3 genres. My second novel, A Woman’s Guide to Search & Rescue (Riverbed Press), will be published in October 2023 (preorders available soon!). For twelve years, I wrote a weekly food column for the Los Angeles Times syndicate before moving to fiction. My writing-craft book, Your Book Starts Here, won the New Hampshire Literary Awards “People’s Choice” in 2011 and my first novel, Qualities of Light, was nominated for a PEN/Faulkner and a Lambda Literary award in 2009. I’ve written Your Weekly Writing Exercise every Friday since 2008.
