Monday Notes: 4 Ways To Gather Yourself Before Reading In Search of a Salve

If you’ve pre-ordered In Search of a Salve, thank you. I appreciate your support. That means soon, my memoir will be at your doorstep, on your eReader, or in your headphones. Soooo, I thought I’d provide a bit of guidance before you dive in. What follows has been curated based on conversations with readers who were given advanced copies or those who have anticipated what these pages hold. Here goes:  

Remove my identity.

“Will I see you differently?” a former high school student in his mid-thirties asked, after ordering his copy. “I just see you as a sweet little teacher.”

“Maybe,” I responded.

If you perceive me to be one way: “a sweet little” prof, an academic, a family member, a blogger, etc., then you’re going to have a hard time. It is imperative that you read this book with the perspective that this is one woman’s real life. Depending on our current or past relationship, you may be inclined to read details with an open mouth because you know me; however, I’d advise not getting stuck there.

Understand the difference between sex positivity and sex addiction.

One of my daughter’s friends was giddy when she heard the title. “Alright, Mama!” she said.

She was confused. She thought this memoir was about being sex positive. While I agree with the concept of sex positivity, or the idea that people should have space to embody, explore, and learn about their sexuality and gender without judgment or shame, that is not the same as sex addiction.

I’ve spent a lot of time showing and explaining what sex addiction is in the memoir, so I won’t teach a lesson here. Instead, I will say what separates sex positivity from sex addiction is the addiction part. Addiction, according to Gabor Maté, stems from abuse, trauma or (unresolved) childhood pain, and many times it is mired in self-judgment and shame. Sex addiction is no different. It’s just that the person has used sex (and/or love) the way other addicts use substances, and it can mirror the actions of other behavior addictions, like gambling, overeating, or internet use.

This is not a book about my sexual exploits.

Yes, there are some details of what I used to do, because I could not write a book with “sex addict” in the title without providing context about what that looked like in my pre-recovery life; however, I am a certain type of writer, and this is not erotica.

To that end, a few readers have described how much the book made them think about a range of topics: family, adoption, marriage, addiction, mental illness, and forgiveness, to name a few. Like any memoir worth its weight, that’s what I was going for. I want you to finish each chapter and question your so-called core beliefs. I want you to think about the relationship you have with your family, or those who you call family, but choose to ignore. I want you to think about how you treat those who you know are mentally ill or who have mental health issues.

It is a “good” read, but you won’t be able to breeze through it.

More than a handful of people have told me that because of the beginning, they thought they were going to either “just read a few pages and then come back to it later,” or read the book in its entirety in one sitting. From what I understand, neither is possible.

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, then you’re already familiar with my writing style. People have told me that they continue reading, even if they don’t have experiences with the topic. The book is similar (from what I hear). However, this memoir includes heavy topics, and each chapter has double the authenticity of any blog post I’ve written. One of my mentees said she was “surprised by how candid” I was. Like I mentioned before, I hope you’ll feel as if you must put the book down, but I also hope you’ll feel as if you must pick it back up.

I think that’s about it. If you’ve already read Salve and want to add more, please do so in the comments. Otherwise, I’ll be over here doing grounding exercises and waiting for public review.

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