The Writerly Urge to Throw Caution to the Wind

I wrote two blog posts before this one. Two that I ultimately threw out. Why? Because I worried how they would be perceived. I decided the anxiety wasn’t worth it to me, so into the trash it went. 

I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately.

It may start with a book idea. One I really like. Maybe I even spend significant time outlining it and drafting scenes. And then, an aspect of the story will stop me. Perhaps a brooding romantic interest with some toxic traits or a chosen one trope that seems overdone. How can I keep writing that book when I see thousands of complaints about it every day? 

Into the trash it goes.

Sometimes, this way of thinking affects my social media. A tweet here. A reel there. I’ll create a plan, get ready to post, think twice, hesitate, delete, delete, delete.

Putting myself out there often feels harder than it used to, and I’m not entirely sure why. 

When I first started this blog, I was a college student pursuing writing with eyes wide open. I made mistakes, and I knew I would make mistakes, and I was okay with making mistakes. But somewhere along the way, the fear of making mistakes became stronger than my confidence to try. Unfortunately, that has trickled into my writing. 

I analyze every aspect of a book idea now. Not because I’m trying to make it the best story it can be, but because I want it to appease expectations…and that’s not how great stories are made. 

Truly great stories have deeply flawed characters, worlds that make you question motivations, relationships that keep you up at night wondering what if. You don’t get stories like that when you play it safe all of the time. And I’m tired.

I miss the creative headspace I was in as a younger writer, when I would take a wild idea and run with it, chances be damned. That said, I recognize this self scrutiny doesn’t only come out of some people-pleasing drive, but rather the idea that I can control my likelihood at success. You might hear it called “writing to trend” or “knowing the market.” It’s the idea that if you know what publishers and readers want, then you can up your odds at a book deal. If that means avoiding the toxic male lead or blood magic or any number of tropes that have been recently frowned upon, then you tell yourself it’s worth it. 

But is it?

Right now, I’m staring down a handful of projects, all of which I’ve told myself aren’t worth pursuing because of some aspect that seems out of line. For instance, my haunted house book–which I have fully outlined and a quarter of the way written–has no underlying societal message that helps it stand out from “just a ghost story.” It has an awesome plot twist and new perspective, but it doesn’t feel like enough. In my other folder sits a second-chance rom-com that takes place during the COVID lockdown. I’ve tried to adjust the storyline out of the pandemic, but it becomes bland without it. Part of its charm is the complicated fog the characters are living in…and yet, publishing tends to frown at stories that are dated quickly. There is also an ick factor to writing a happy story taking place during a time where so many were suffering. (Even though it happens!) But I digress. 

They don’t feel like they stand a chance, so why bother?

Then again, maybe that’s where everything is going wrong. 

I’m more worried about what I will create next than how I am going to create it. I’m more focused on perception than intention. And I cannot control perception. I cannot control a lot. What I can control is this: The project I choose to write next, because I want to. The tropes I want to include, because I want to. The story, from beginning to end. 

I know there are readers out there for everything. Readers who love the very things that many critique. I want to keep those in mind who will love what I’m working on–more than those who will dislike it. But it’s hard. I’ve been writing for so long, pursuing traditional publication for so many years, that it feels foolhardy to ignore expectations. Letting go of the idea that I can up my odds. Taking a risk and throwing caution to the wind. 

But I want to. 

I want to write my next project because it’s the next project for me. I don’t want to worry about if it stands a chance in traditional publishing or how readers might perceive it. I just want to block it all out and create. I want to lean into the weird. Into the toxic. Into the uncomfortable gray of life. And I want to share it later. Whether I get a traditional publishing deal or I try self-publishing for the first time, I want to prove to myself that I can write something and put it out there. 

I want to throw caution to the wind. 

~SAT