Feeling heard (and a week gone by)

Folks, I don’t feel like writing this. I’ve had so many demands on my time that I don’t even think about what I can write or when I might have the time to do it. I’ve had one job interview, told one I wasn’t interested and have a third coming up Monday. Today was the first day at least this week that I didn’t feel like my leg would fail to support me.

I had some incidents last week where my overscheduled life led to idiocy (like leaving the rats in their play area, leaving the house and driving 20 minutes away before I remembered them) and some joyful times too, but honestly I feel like I write my calendar out on Sunday and don’t even have a chance to look at it until Thursday.

I gave my doctor the new paperwork for the absence management company last Thursday and I haven’t seen any evidence that they received it. I continue to struggle through my issues at work (though today was the day where I didn’t feel like my body was falling apart all day but more on that in a minute) meanwhile… I have a hard time keeping my feelings in check when I see others milking whatever they can to get special treatment at work.

One woman had a migraine all week but did her job.

Today we had a massive barbecue at work, and an appreciation luncheon yesterday, as the local managers rush to spend their budgets before we lose our jobs. Despite this feasting, I have lost 2 pounds according to the doctor’s office (and I hope that it might be more since I have increased my sodium so much that their should be some water retention with that).

In the photos, you can see some of us going through the food line, my friends concentrating on their bingo cards, and a friend’s demolished plate.

After all of this, I went to a new cardiologist. A female. I swear I know her from my nonprofit work and I have to wonder if she served on a board somewhere I worked. Yesterday, I went to the chiropractor, my beloved Nicole Jensen of Back in Line, and then went to work out with Andrew at Apex Training.

So, I told everyone my theory. And to date, no one, including the new cardiologist, has disagreed.

Fact: In January, my blood pressure went up. I don’t know why. I was taking Lexapro at the time to try and keep my blood pressure lower, because it was due to stress (and I had lost my father a year early and don’t hear from my other family members, even when I try to reach out so the idea of a low dose SSRI didn’t seem like a bad idea). I had been on that medication about a year. I also take baclofen to help my legs move better, which I started more consistently in November, but had been taking since May. My doctor advised me to watch my diet and my sodium.

Event 1: March 1 I dove down the eight concrete stairs at work, smashed my finger (in a bad sprain that has left it still quite bent) and almost passed out after the event. My blood pressure was fine.

Anecdotal evidence: I had eaten a lot of fast food that weekend.

Sidenote: Saw the hand rehab specialist/occupational therapist for the first time during the day March 13, went to work late, and had set up balance physical therapy to begin March 20 at the request of my doctor.

Event 2: At the end of the day March 13, about 7:30 p.m., I fell down the stairs going up to my room after a big meal. I had had Little Ceasars and Taco Bell that weekend. The bruising on my back knocked the wind out of me and my face was gushing blood where I had slammed it into the air conditioner that my daughter had rested on the floor. Went to the ER for stitches, found out I was in afib.

It took some time after that to get the results of the heart monitor back (I’m fine), and it took some dickering so the beta blocker didn’t give me low blood pressure and postural hypotension. But I kept having episodes of each.

Later, in June, I was told to stop taking the SSRI because I had a risk of fatal arrhythmia.

I asked my doctor to see the nutritionist and she said I was not eating enough salt because of the cardiac diet recommended and washing what sodium I did eat out of my system. Within three days, I felt 90% of myself.

Now, I mention all of this because one of my original theories about why this had happened addressed salt. I had thought the universe was punishing me for eating all that bad food, and my first cardiologist whom I saw in the hospital, pushed the idea away. And that’s why I went to a new doctor.

I also believe the afib could have been caused by the bodily trauma of my fall down the stairs. And that I feel so awful when my blood pressure is 110/60 because of my cerebral palsy– that my body just needs more than that to make this body move.

And my new doctor believes that I’m on the right track. That:

Lack of salt might have initiated the symptoms which led to the falls in the first place.I might never have an incident of afib again.And — when I’m ready– we can potentially change or eliminate the beta blocker.

Honestly, with losing my job this fall, I’m not sure now is the time to take my heart off anything that helps keep me calm. She also mentioned that I might do better on an extended release formula.

That’s all I got. And this took up the last of my free time. Sigh.