When it doesn’t fit

What do you do when something doesn’t fit? Do you force it? Do you hang onto it in case it fits later? Do you throw it away? Do you beat yourself up because it won’t fit?

Despite all the work I’ve done on myself, there are still pieces of my life that don’t fit. They aren’t working but I hang onto them because maybe they will someday. To some degree I guess we all do that–with relationships, bad habits, toxic people, old dreams …

Why do I hang on? Do I really think this thing will finally fit. Or am I just incapable of letting go. It’s one of those questions I ponder in the middle of the night.

When is giving up the best option? I’m asking because I really don’t know. I guess if it were a horse I was thinking about instead of my own life I’d look at my expectations compared to what the horse is capable of and what makes them happy, and make adjustments accordingly. I wouldn’t think of that as giving up but rather finding the horse’s strengths and talents, and working with them instead of against them.

There’s probably a lesson for me in that, but I’m not ready to hear it. Depression is like that.

I’ve certainly seen horses suffer through training for a discipline they are either not physically capable of or simply don’t enjoy. I’ve worked to bring these horses to a happier place, developing the talents they have and being patient, gentle, and encouraging as they learn and become more physically capable of the work I’m asking of them. It’s easy for me to see when the “box” a horse has been placed in is the wrong fit.

But I hold myself to a different standard. I hang on to the old dreams because I still want to believe I can make them come true someday.

There are no rainbows and unicorns in this post–sorry. I haven’t been able to think of a nice, positive post for weeks. But maybe that is part of the human experience? Maybe we owe it to ourselves to step outside of the confines of the boxes we don’t really fit in, and let the world get a glimpse of something real, if for no other reason than to remind each other that we’re not alone.