The Myth of Boredom.
Sunday 13th of September 2020
I’ve been wondering why I question everything. I’m questioning why I question everything, I suppose it had to come around to that.
My point is, I’ve alienated people with my questions, lost people by questioning their choices, poking holes in things they don’t want to think about. I drive myself crazy with my questions. You would think that I would stop. I haven’t.
The people left in my life are few, but they know and accept that I’m going to rip their choices to shreds and make them see things from every angle, and they’re okay with that. But, I’m still stuck on, why haven’t I stopped?
It’s a valid question. All the loss and arguments, rejections and hurts, should have programmed me out of it, right? Has questioning everything been more fulfilling then having… I’m going to go with, weak people in my life? Let’s be honest, if you’re going to attack and then run away because you can’t answer a few questions, that’s pretty weak. What was I saying? Right, I must love questions. Or, I must love finding answers. Which brings us to last nights deep dive.
We’ll start with “Boredom is a sin” a quote from ‘Lost Souls’ by Poppy Z. Brite. Then we’ll move on to someone telling me that if you get bored easily, you must be a boring person. I know, that’s what we’ve come to, bored shaming.
I get bored all the time, and very easily. So, I fill my time with things. I’ve made the objective of my life to be occupied at all times, because boredom, after all, is a sin.
Last night, between activities, I sat down and said: ‘Why? What’s wrong with being bored?’
Okay, the word ‘bored’ in itself is sluggish, slow and negative, so we’ll remove that and ask: ‘Why do I have to be occupied at all times?’ Occupied, in the sense of taken over by something else, to be negated. ‘Why can’t I just be with myself, what’s so wrong with that?’
And there it is. I keep myself occupied at all times so I don’t have to be with myself. I fill my life with activities to distract myself from myself. It’s almost like I can’t stand myself.
Is that what boredom is, the root of it, I can’t stand being alone with myself, with my own thoughts? What would be wrong about sitting and doing nothing? I’m struggling with just thinking about it. Is it even possible? There would still be the sounds outside to listen to, the thoughts to wander away with. But, I guess that another thing, there’s no such thing as nothing, and being alone with my thoughts would be the point.
Maybe I’ll try it, but not right now. Right now there’s things to do. Let’s burn some problems away, do some fire element yoga, make lunch, keep myself distracted, fill my time with activities so no part of it is wasted. wasting time, that’s another issue isn’t it?
