How to Avoid Being a Critic
Complaining is one aspect of human communication. We do it for lots of reasons. We might have a general dissatisfaction with life for no particularly important reason. Then again, we could be the target of someone else’s malice. We might be innocent bystanders caught up in another person’s problems, or the victim of some other unfortunate circumstance.
Why do I mention this? Because our culture has become adept at producing people who like to complain. Not about genuine concerns in our world (e.g., corporate greed, government incompetence, sex trafficking, etc.), but every tiny problem, miscue, or dissatisfaction. All of it needs to be brought to everyone else’s attention—even when it is fairly ridiculous, like when Elizabeth Hurley tweeted to her hundreds of thousands of followers that she only had decaf coffee available one morning. Even the smallest trifles trigger some people to respond with the infamous words of Frank Costanza from Seinfeld, “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!”
Ours isn’t the first generation to struggle with complaining. The Israelites did it in the wilderness many times. They complained that Moses had made more work for them (Exodus 5:1-22)—which was probably true. They also complained about being thirsty (Exodus 17:1-4; Numbers 20:1-5)—understandable given the fact that they were in extremely arid conditions. But they tended to romanticize their time in Egypt, describing it as almost like a vacation destination complete with an all-you-can-eat buffet (Exodus 16:3; Numbers 11:5-6). It should go without saying, but God doesn’t look favorably upon complainers.
In the first century, several New Testament authors reminded their fellow Christians not to complain or grumble on numerous occasions (1 Corinthians 10:10; Philippians 2:14; James 5:9; 1 Peter 4:9) and forgive those who had something against them (Colossians 3:13).
We certainly don’t want to be like that! So how can we help become better people and church members? By doing a little self-examination and discovering what kinds of complaints are legitimate and which ones aren’t. Here are four different types of critics.
The Mostly Constructive Critic. This person means well and doesn’t have anything against the leadership, congregation, or other people. Some people like to claim that they’re being constructive, but they don’t do a great job of couching their criticism in language that communicates sincerity. Even well-intended criticism comes across as sanctimonious or self-righteous, so we must be absolutely sure that our motives are pure. So how do we become genuinely constructive critics? We could start by adding in some praise. Paul often began his letters with thanksgiving for the recipients and added that he prayed for them before uttering a single word of (rightly-deserved) criticism (e.g., Romans 1:8-15; 1 Corinthians 1:4-9; 1 Thessalonians 1:2-10).
The Wounded Critic. Everyone hurts sometimes, and some of us want everyone else to know it. It could come from a simple lack of restraint when we let frustration and anger get the better of us. It could be that someone said something hurtful, and we’re just trying to get back at them. Here we would do well to remember the example of Christ—betrayed and abandoned by his closest friends, convicted of a crime he did not commit, and suffering the ignominy of a death reserved for the worst of criminals—who did not condemn or curse. Instead of complaining (Isaiah 53:7; John 12:27), he prayed for his enemies’ forgiveness (Luke 23:34).
The Self-Serving Critic. Some of us can be adversarial by nature. We have to be very careful that expressing displeasure isn’t coming from us being selfish or self-centered. Some complain because they have an ego problem, suffer from envy, or just like the sound of their own voice. The easiest way to fix this tendency is to ask ourselves, “Before I criticize something or someone, what am I trying to achieve by complaining?” If your criticism doesn’t have a clear goal or offer a solution to a problem, maybe it shouldn’t be said.
The Adversarial Critic. Some people have a mean streak. Maybe they’re like the Wounded Critic and have suffered some trauma they carry with them. Then again, perhaps they like to fight. Whatever the case, this person will criticize others and might even be cruel about it. The problem is compounded when the interaction is online, and the critic is afforded the protection of blasting other people from behind a computer screen. If we’re busy thinking about ways we can hurt someone else, we need to take a step back and think about how we can build others up instead of tearing them down. Destruction is the devil’s work (1 Peter 5:8). Building up is the work of God’s saints (Hebrews 13:3).
There are times when criticism is not only valid but needed. Here are a few passages that will help us in this area.
One way to defeat a complaining spirit is to practice the art of forgiveness (Colossians 3:13). Another is to stop and consider that no problem in this world is bigger than the God you serve, that you are his beloved child (Galatians 3:26), and that your destiny as a Christian is to be glorified with Christ forever (Romans 8:17). Jesus says that if we have a problem with someone, we should be discreet (Mathew 18:15). Criticism should not be a spectator sport.Only those who persist in wrongdoing should receive a public rebuke (1 Timothy 5:20). For anyone who wants to condemn another person openly, they need to make sure they have exhausted every other option first. Paul says that if we have a problem with someone, we should treat the matter with gentleness (Galatians 6:1). Anyone can become defensive when criticized or confronted—we have to make sure that the other person sees our genuine concern in a way that will win them over. Our job as Christians is to help one another grow up in every way into Christ by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).So there we have it: Scripture is clear that if we decide to approach someone with a complaint, we need to do it in genuine love with tact and gentleness, with the goal of helping that person. No one likes to receive complaints. But Christians shouldn’t like giving them, either.
