How To Accept MS–Again

Starting a Blog Post

Blogging about How To Accept MS? Not Now!

I didn’t plan to blog about my Multiple Sclerosis until October. The Gold Doubloons, book three in my Jerome Mysteries trilogy, is due to my publisher mid-September. This blog was supposed to wait until that book was finished. But instead of plotting clues, I’ve been in bed for the last eight days. All I can think about is my MS.

Denial

So what happened? Too much travel, the result of three deaths in my family and a writer’s retreat I was determined to go to, used up every bit of my strength, including what few reserves I had. I knew three trips in three months was a lot for me with my MS, but I was sure I could handle it. I would take naps, pace myself, use my hiking poles for short walks and my wheelchair for longer distances. Sure I’d be tired, but the writer’s retreat would energize me after the sorrow.

Anger

But things didn’t work out  that way. By the time I got to the writer’s retreat, I was so exhausted my blood pressure shot up, and I narrowly escaped a trip to the Emergency Room. As I lay in bed in a hotel room instead of talking writing with my colleagues, I got angry. I had spent the weeks between my trips resting like I was supposed to. How dare my MS interfere with my getaway?

Bargaining

I was smart enough to realize being mad would keep my blood pressure high. So I started to figure out how I could work with my MS. I went through the retreat program and identified the high-priority sessions. In between, I would rest. By the time I got home, I would be ready to write.

Depression

Again, things didn’t work out as planned. When I got home, I collapsed. I was in my own bed this time, but I wasn’t working on The Gold Doubloons. Anger gave way to frustration and finally to depression. I write slowly–because of my MS–and I became convinced that not only would I never finish that book, I would never write again.

Sound Familiar?

I’m sure you recognize the steps I went through as the stages of grief that precede acceptance. I was diagnosed with MS fourteen years ago–surely I should have accepted the disease by now. But as my MS progresses, it steals more pieces of my life as I knew it. First, it took away hikes into the dramatic canyons of the West, then leisurely strolls on the rolling trails of Arkansas. Now it promises a wheelchair. That’s just my walking. MS continues to offer me many reasons to grieve.

How to Accept MS–Again

Am I caught in a never-ending cycle? I hope not! Recently I encountered a definition for acceptance that short-circuits my looping grief process. A meditation course in acceptance on Headspace (an app I use on my phone) suggests that to accept we stop resisting what is so we can be open to possibilities we haven’t noticed. When I put this concept into practice, I went straight to the question, “Now what?” 

Here’s how it’s working so far.

I’m exhausted from too much travel. Now what? Rest.
My writing schedule is off track. Now what? Wait.
I can’t get into story mode. Now what? Write about MS. 

Surprise! The Gold Doubloons is stirring in my head again. I bet tomorrow…

What about You

Because you’ve read this far, I imagine you have MS or another chronic health condition. How do you accept each new challenge?

 
 

 

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