Alone

Sunday 19th of July 2020

Drastic changes make me want to do drastic things? Is anyone else like that?

Can distance grow all by itself, or does it need the people it grows between to actively participate in the gulf?

Does it need Shu, the separating god, the atmosphere, the space between, the light the shines between people, highlighting all the gaps?

There’s so much swirling around in my head, which thread do I pull, which one do I follow to the end?

There’s a paper and fabric tapestry I made in 2014 stuck to the wall next to my bed. I’ve been contemplating taking it down for a while now, putting something else there instead. It’s how I cope with change, I change everything around me, this is my control.

There’s this theory that people grow apart because they evolve at different rates, to different level, or one person doesn’t evolve at all. When this happens, we begin to attract new people who are on the new level we’ve reached, or something along those lines.

My thoughts on this, am I constantly evolving to levels no one around me is reaching, or has everyone else evolved and left me behind? Either way the result is the same I suppose.

Life is a tapestry and we are all threads, sometimes the threads are close together, wrapping around each other, sometimes the threads separate to form a greater pattern. Am I a loose thread that the weavers forgot about?

Today someone asked me if I’m getting enough sleep. How tired must I look for someone to ask me that?

I get more and more isolated every year. I think one day it’ll be just me. Am I ready for that? Have I actively created this or did I lazily let it happen?

I don’t fight for people, I don’t hold on. I let people go their own way. I always thought this was a good thing, no force, no grovelling, just release. But, maybe people want to be fought for. I’ve always wanted someone to fight for me, to care enough. It’s the desire to be loved because you’re loved, not because you had to beg for it, or earn it, not because they want something from you. It’s the fantasy of unconditional love. Deep down we all know it doesn’t exist but we still want it. This is what the movies don’t teach us, love is always conditional, it has to be for a species to survive.

I’m not ready to be completely alone, I’m not sure what it will do to me. But saying that, I kind of already am. I only really talk to you anymore, only these pages, only the ghost, only the gods I call to. Maybe that’s why I’m alone. I need to share more, right? Be myself more? Communicate? Because that’s never scared anyone off.

I don’t want to be alone. I want someone on my level, whatever level that may be. Am I ready for that?