How to get from Durham to Toronto in a Few Easy Steps That Include Detroit

Realize that I need to be up around 4 in the AM, and thus go to bed early.Realize that it doesn't matter if I go to bed early, as my body refuses to believe anything not in single digits qualifies as "bedtime"Try not to disturb sleeping spouse, who really has done nothing to deserve any of this.Fall asleep around 1:30 AMWake up in blind panic, convinced I have overslept.Attempt to turn on cell phone to get a look at what time it is.Attempt to type in password.Fail.Attempt to type in password again.Fail.Attempt to type in password again.Fail.Attempt to type in password again.Fail.Consider possibility of being locked out of cell phone, which is also being used as my alarm clock.Quietly freak out.Attempt to type in password very slowly.Fail.Curse under my breath.Type in password.Succeed.Realize it is now 2 AM.Curse more.Double-check alarm time.Turn cell phone off again.Fall asleep again at 3.Get up at 3:59 in acute awareness that cell phone is about to go off. Decide this is my mutant power.Get up and turn off alarm.Brush teeth, which somehow triggers a nosebleed.Interrupt tooth brushing long enough to stop nosebleed.Ascertain that nosebleed did not get blood in the toothpaste, and finish brushing teeth.Get dressed and grab luggage.Head to airport.Arrive at airport at 4:45. Be astonished that there is parking.Perform awkward luggage dance to the amusement of fellow travelers.Head to terminal. Attempt to check at Delta kiosk using passport.Fail.Attempt to check in at Delta kiosk using credit card.Fail.Attempt to check in at Delta kiosk using entirely different kiosk.Fail.Debate having a nosebleed all over Delta kiosk, and instead try confirmation number, which works.Nearly have a coronary when successful checkin then asks for passport scan.Get on plane.Fly to Detroit.Walk to appropriate gate at Detroit, pausing for breakfast.Note that they're lined up 20 deep at the Einstein Brothers bagel stand, and decide to be afraid.Listen to announcement at gate that our flight crew is trapped in Tulsa, and won't be arriving until 12:30. Delta promises to try to find another flight crew, but, well,  no promises.Half an hour later, listen to announcement that there will be no alternate crew, we'll be leaving at 12:30, and that under no circumstances should anyone leave the gate area because we might get another flight crew and leave before 12:30.Watch everyone leave the gate area.Send details of holdup to beloved spouse. Beloved spouse suggests turning around and coming home before plane gets eaten by Godzilla.Confess that beloved spouse has a point.Eventually, get on plane.Sit on plane.Sit on plane a while longer.Sit on plane until captain announces that the jetbridge is stuck and we're not going anywhere until they unstick it.Resist urge to suggest they try soap and hot water.Sit a while longer.Sit even longer.Listen to announcement that there is a new development, in that there are checked bags belonging to passengers who did not appear to get on the plane. As such, the TSA is removing the bags.Realize that this means unpacking and repacking entire plane.Mention this to beloved spouse over IM.Beloved spouse makes more noises about inevitability of being nommed by Godzilla.Eventually, and without fanfare, take off.Land in Toronto. Go through customs. Get luggage. Get nosebleed. Reflect on circular nature of life.